It's been a while since we hooked up. I've been inviting you several times to meet up, but your crazy schedule wouldn't permit you to be available. Now, I sms that I'd give you the best service yet, just to have sex with me.
After sending that message, I lost respect for myself. Losing steam (or urge) like blood draining out from my body in an instant. Most likely, you'd politely decline (if not answer at all). But even if you make time to play, I know it's just demerits on my part as a buddy.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Missed Connections 2: We Made Out But Never Made It
Kelvin and Marc: we both had memorable moments in that place. On two separate occasions. K, you were the one with killer dimples and works in the same field as I am. I didn’t notice your cute face in the dark. I thought it was a silhouette of a daddy that I wasn’t in the mood to hook up with. Turns out, you had a great smile. Double points for the lips, coz they kiss so well. Too bad, I didn’t get your number when I had the chance. You were taking a shower, while another guy dragged in me in to the dark rooms, just so in the end I’d regret fooling with him. When I got out of it, you were already gone.
M, kissing, cuddling, hugging for more than two hours was really worthwhile. You had a lanky body with cut abs, and the way you unloaded to my torso was really sexy. I was so turned on by the watering of my wonderland. Your loud moan was thundering in the room. I got off ahead of you, lying on the bed, while you kneel in front me, jerking like a porn star. After that climax, we cleaned up. I thought we’d leave the place together, but I was wrong. I thought you wanted to pursue me, as you mentioned when you were kissing me, but when I came back from the showers to check on you in the locker room, you were not around. I searched the whole place, and then waited in the reading area, hoping you’d appear. But there was no sign of you.
M, kissing, cuddling, hugging for more than two hours was really worthwhile. You had a lanky body with cut abs, and the way you unloaded to my torso was really sexy. I was so turned on by the watering of my wonderland. Your loud moan was thundering in the room. I got off ahead of you, lying on the bed, while you kneel in front me, jerking like a porn star. After that climax, we cleaned up. I thought we’d leave the place together, but I was wrong. I thought you wanted to pursue me, as you mentioned when you were kissing me, but when I came back from the showers to check on you in the locker room, you were not around. I searched the whole place, and then waited in the reading area, hoping you’d appear. But there was no sign of you.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tell Me I’m Weird
1
When I feel confident about something, it’s inevitable that something, no matter how small or daunting, would happen to ruin the moment. The opposite happens when the conviction is negative, and things turn out to be not that bad. I don’t want to project a negative vibe every time, so I just lower my expectations to avoid greater frustration.
2
I have this facebook friend who’s a friend of a friend of mine. We’re neither acquaintances nor good friends, but only “tamang pagkakakilanlan lang”. I notice him liking almost every status of our main friend. But I feel a certain pinch in my weird being that he’s not doing it to me. LOL. Come to think of it, it’s become even weirder, now that I’ve laid it in the open.
We got personally introduced by our main friend. At that occasion, I blurted out that he was cute. Hirap talaga pag bihira kang makakita ng pogi sa kweba. I think tumatak yun sa kanya. Malamang tumatak yun sa kanya. But I meant it in a friendly way, knowing that I’m being flirty all the time and I know that I appreciate beauty whenever I see one. When we bump into each other naman at the gym, we talk like kamustahan nang kaunti, then do our own business. But we never got close. He has a partner, and I acknowledge that.
When I got to talk to our main friend, I told him na this guy was gwapo sa unang tingin. But I asked him not to spill this to the guy. Ang jerk ko naman kung babawiin ko yung compliment ko. After the second meeting kasi, I don’t crush him anymore, ‘ika nga. Still, I felt na medyo iwas sya sa akin, in subtle ways that can be misconstrued as pagka-ilang. I’d understand – I crushed him at first meeting, and he has a partner.
Now, he likes almost every status of our main friend. Jealous much? Kahit di naman dapat i-like. For example, “mabigat sa damdamin na iwan ang minamahal, etcetera eklavarva…” Comment ka na lang kesa like, kasi parang gusto mong ganun ang sentimyento ng kaibigan mo, parang ang bad. (Better yet, sana magdagdag na lang ng iba pang options ang FB, gaya ng "Agree", "Disagree", "Strongly agree", "Vehemently disagree", and "I'm sitting in the fence", para masaya).
Samantalang ako, pang-miss universe na ang post sa wall, eh walang may-I-solicit ng kahit ano from him. Lawak ng utak ko, d b? Hindi naman ito ang pinuputok ng butsi ko. I’m just magnifying a very, very miniscule and trivial and non-sensical thing that’s in my system. Whatever you call it, I’m glad I got it out.
When I feel confident about something, it’s inevitable that something, no matter how small or daunting, would happen to ruin the moment. The opposite happens when the conviction is negative, and things turn out to be not that bad. I don’t want to project a negative vibe every time, so I just lower my expectations to avoid greater frustration.
2
I have this facebook friend who’s a friend of a friend of mine. We’re neither acquaintances nor good friends, but only “tamang pagkakakilanlan lang”. I notice him liking almost every status of our main friend. But I feel a certain pinch in my weird being that he’s not doing it to me. LOL. Come to think of it, it’s become even weirder, now that I’ve laid it in the open.
We got personally introduced by our main friend. At that occasion, I blurted out that he was cute. Hirap talaga pag bihira kang makakita ng pogi sa kweba. I think tumatak yun sa kanya. Malamang tumatak yun sa kanya. But I meant it in a friendly way, knowing that I’m being flirty all the time and I know that I appreciate beauty whenever I see one. When we bump into each other naman at the gym, we talk like kamustahan nang kaunti, then do our own business. But we never got close. He has a partner, and I acknowledge that.
When I got to talk to our main friend, I told him na this guy was gwapo sa unang tingin. But I asked him not to spill this to the guy. Ang jerk ko naman kung babawiin ko yung compliment ko. After the second meeting kasi, I don’t crush him anymore, ‘ika nga. Still, I felt na medyo iwas sya sa akin, in subtle ways that can be misconstrued as pagka-ilang. I’d understand – I crushed him at first meeting, and he has a partner.
Now, he likes almost every status of our main friend. Jealous much? Kahit di naman dapat i-like. For example, “mabigat sa damdamin na iwan ang minamahal, etcetera eklavarva…” Comment ka na lang kesa like, kasi parang gusto mong ganun ang sentimyento ng kaibigan mo, parang ang bad. (Better yet, sana magdagdag na lang ng iba pang options ang FB, gaya ng "Agree", "Disagree", "Strongly agree", "Vehemently disagree", and "I'm sitting in the fence", para masaya).
Samantalang ako, pang-miss universe na ang post sa wall, eh walang may-I-solicit ng kahit ano from him. Lawak ng utak ko, d b? Hindi naman ito ang pinuputok ng butsi ko. I’m just magnifying a very, very miniscule and trivial and non-sensical thing that’s in my system. Whatever you call it, I’m glad I got it out.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Missed Connection 1
Body combat class on a Monday means a sardine-packed studio. There’s the danger of hitting a person with a kick, a jab, or an elbow. But it was fun, especially sweating out with friends. And you were there, in your light brown singlet, black running shorts, combat gloves, and sexy presence. You stood at 11 o’clock, just the right angle for me to see your creamy color and fleshy physique. I was at the back of a large girl, who’s the hapless victim of my hostile concentration. You weren’t distracting, but I just couldn’t help but imagine myself getting into those shorts of yours, how I wanted to lick your smooth skin, and how I wanted to role- and fore-play combat before we plunge into a more intense “workout”.
After recovery, you looked at me as if you noticed I was checking you out. It doesn’t matter who first checked out whom, but I like your show of interest. And you even decided to position yourself near me during the push up portion. I had my chest exercise the night before, so I wasn’t performing really well during that portion. Keyber. I didn’t want to show off. You, on the other hand, showed me how powerful your upper body is in executing the exercise.
I hope I could talk to you. I didn’t have the guts at all. Angas-tingin lang talaga ako.
After recovery, you looked at me as if you noticed I was checking you out. It doesn’t matter who first checked out whom, but I like your show of interest. And you even decided to position yourself near me during the push up portion. I had my chest exercise the night before, so I wasn’t performing really well during that portion. Keyber. I didn’t want to show off. You, on the other hand, showed me how powerful your upper body is in executing the exercise.
I hope I could talk to you. I didn’t have the guts at all. Angas-tingin lang talaga ako.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Grindr
I looked it up on the internet, went to www.grindr.com, and got the basic info:
Grindr. It’s a guy thing.
Whether he’s Mr. Right or Mr. Tonight, your man is hanging out on Grindr,a killer location-based social networking tool for the iPhone or iPod Touch.
You can take it with you.
Unlike other dating or social network sites, Grindr is meant to be mobile. And it uses GPS technology to instantly zone in on men in your area. New in town? Tap into Grindr to check out who’s on the scene. On a trip? Use Grindr to find a local who’d like to show you around. Hanging at home? Make Grindr your go-to place and see who’s looking to meet up tonight. No matter where you find yourself, Grindr is the go-to app for socializing in seconds with the guys around you.
No strings attached.
Grindr is quick, convenient, and discreet. It utilizes your iPhone or iPod Touch’s built-in technology to map out which guys are closest to you—but how much info you share with them is entirely up to you. There is no need to enter an email address, register an account, or go through a complicated validation process. No electronic trail is left behind. Simply download the Grindr app to view who’s around and start chatting with a local dude. Trade your stats, show off a photo, instant message any guy you like. Share your location on a map and make plans to meet up right away. Or just browse the local scene. Grindr keeps things uncomplicated.
Size matters.
Hundreds of gay, bi, and curious men in your area are chilling out on Grindr. It’s easy to find a nearby guy in no time. Whether you’re in the mood for some casual IM chat, a hot hook-up, or a buddy to grab a drink with, Grindr makes it happen. Guys into other guys are just a quick download away. And with Grindr they’re also right around the corner—just waiting for you to show up.
I think it’s way cooler than other dating sites, but not everyone has an iPhone. Not everywhere there’s wi-fi. Not all guys in the grindr chat room are game for what you intend to do. So, the chances of success in getting what you want from the app is really small, well, as compared to other gay activities.
Just this afternoon, I signed off at grindr when I saw a senior executive registered in the chatroom, and is just “0 miles” away from me. I was in the office at the time of this writing.
Kisses and Spanks
I haven’t heard from you for more than a week. I confided to you that I was negative in my HIV test just as a heads up. I was thinking you were too swamped with work. Or you didn’t receive the message at all. You said you wanted to be more than bed buddies, but that hasn’t progressed much nor went any farther. I’m still baffled by your silence.
As I browsed the website, your profile was the third most kissed and the most spanked. I shouldn’t get affected because it’s just an indicator of your popularity. I shouldn’t feel my chest twinge because you really have a cute wacky picture. I shouldn’t get anxious because I’m just your bed buddy.
But why do I feel insecure? At the back of my mind, you’re possibly engaged to another user, planning a session or the next. You’re may be getting invitations to have fun with them. Or I’m guessing that you want variety in your menu.
Whatever it is, I feel stupid. Until now, the admin has not yet deleted my account. I didn’t go there to hook up, but to look at the Hotbods section and a weird feeling that someone might have posted a missed connection to me. After all, I had an eye contact with a chinito guy at combat class last night. Baka-sakali lang. Lo and behold, there really was a shoutout of a missed connection with my name on it. Pero sa ibang lugar nga lang – sa facial center kung saan ako nagpa-appointment.
But I digress. I looked up the shouter’s codename, and I stumbled upon yours smothered in pink kisses and naughty spanks. It hurts a bit. My narrow perspective in life wedges like a rusty knife. I have to accept that a loser like me shouldn’t expect much from our affair.
As I browsed the website, your profile was the third most kissed and the most spanked. I shouldn’t get affected because it’s just an indicator of your popularity. I shouldn’t feel my chest twinge because you really have a cute wacky picture. I shouldn’t get anxious because I’m just your bed buddy.
But why do I feel insecure? At the back of my mind, you’re possibly engaged to another user, planning a session or the next. You’re may be getting invitations to have fun with them. Or I’m guessing that you want variety in your menu.
Whatever it is, I feel stupid. Until now, the admin has not yet deleted my account. I didn’t go there to hook up, but to look at the Hotbods section and a weird feeling that someone might have posted a missed connection to me. After all, I had an eye contact with a chinito guy at combat class last night. Baka-sakali lang. Lo and behold, there really was a shoutout of a missed connection with my name on it. Pero sa ibang lugar nga lang – sa facial center kung saan ako nagpa-appointment.
But I digress. I looked up the shouter’s codename, and I stumbled upon yours smothered in pink kisses and naughty spanks. It hurts a bit. My narrow perspective in life wedges like a rusty knife. I have to accept that a loser like me shouldn’t expect much from our affair.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Untitled
I was watching Friends season 8 episode 1, and it made me scared about life. In the episode, Phoebe and Monica found out about Rachel’s pregnancy. Rachel dreaded the thought of the consequences of having a child, so her girl friends suggested to take a second test to confirm. After verifying the results, Phoebe lied that it was negative. Rachel reacted rather remorseful and teary-eyed, sad for something she never had. Phoebe revealed it was really positive, that it was “not negative but positive”, which pleasantly surprised everyone. The girl friends hugged to recognize Rachel’s acceptance of the child and the embracement of her state.
I got scared because I’m going to take an HIV test today. If in the past, I was 75% confident that I could come out clean from a test, this time I have thoughts of not taking it due to the fact that I don’t want to know. I am not ready to face the truth. While speculations are bugging me, and the past hunts me like a loan shark, denial and ignorance are traitors I don’t want to be best friends with.
I make the sign of the cross as I go through this day with an anxious thought of what might come.
I got scared because I’m going to take an HIV test today. If in the past, I was 75% confident that I could come out clean from a test, this time I have thoughts of not taking it due to the fact that I don’t want to know. I am not ready to face the truth. While speculations are bugging me, and the past hunts me like a loan shark, denial and ignorance are traitors I don’t want to be best friends with.
I make the sign of the cross as I go through this day with an anxious thought of what might come.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Little Red Rashes in the ‘Hood
I started getting itchy last Sunday, and it’s not the usual itch to get laid or have fun in the house of baths. Having seen what caused that sensation was making me worried. Rashes at the back of my neck, on left side of the chest, and in the area below the belly button were alarming. So alarming, I had to google up the relationship between rashes and HIV. On the one side, I hardly have this type of skin problem. It’s always pimples, scars, and uneven facial skin tone. One girl from Let’s Face It told me that I had the face of a late twenty-something but the body of a young adolescent. I know, I wanted to poke her with the instrument she was using to prick my pimples, but she was telling the truth. Point is, I have 90% body skin clarity and fairness. In fairness. And I take care of my skin just like a normal guy does. On the other side, it may be too early to tell that such symptoms point to Ms Aida, who could be waiting by the bridge that I’m crossing soon.
If this itching persists in the next few days, I’ll be consulting a doctor. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.
I tried taking pictures of the affected areas, but the shots are bad. Hardly anyone would care either. Even that guy, with whom I hooked up a few months back. I wanted to get even with him. For making me feel used. This evil mind of mine always imagines ways of revenge. It’s like not wanting to poison him, but to inflict him pain for a long time until I’m satisfied enough to end his life. Or am I just mad at myself for being recklessly adventurous?
There are these times that I felt those little withdrawal symptoms from the substance. When guys at planet romeo offer hook ups, I always ask if they use poppers, or even ecstacy or ice. There are times in the past when I SMS chem guy and ask for some high fun. When he declines due to his “busy schedule”, I get a slight feeling of disappointment and frustration. And it’s mixed with baseless doubts that he might be fucking someone else and that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him anymore. I resolved once to be silent and cut my communication with him before, but I end up texting him later and getting refused once again. It was stupid of me.
I could’ve directed passion to my family. My mom is very, very consistent with her messages. She over and over sends texts that start with “God bless”, “Praise God”, and ends with “Tsup tsup”. It was so sweet of her, but I just rea it and not rely back. After she lets me know how she noticed how infrequent I reply to her, I just tell her I’ve been busy and how I don’t have the time to reply. It was a bullshit excuse. Even worse, it was true love that I took for granted. I love my mother. She never got to high school, yet she had principles of a very respectable woman. But why am I breaking her heart? Because I chose the wrong person to pour my passions to. Because I was blinded by my worldliness. That my materialistic attitude sees the shallow things and not the more important people in this life.
And this blindness has given me more than what I’ve bargained for. My friends have warned me about chem guy; they even strongly prohibited me to see him again. True friends. But I didn’t listen. High fun was really good, so good that I needed to hide it from anyone. After four sessions of getting wasted and used, chem guy stopped seeing me. Would I be thankful that it stopped, or be upset for being “dumped”? I felt clueless at first, but as it dawned on me, I kinda denied the thought that it just ended. So after a few sms of hi’s and hello’s and a direct offer to service him, and after several times of being declined, all I could wish for was bad karma to come upon him. It was a terrible thought and feeling. It was a horrible reaction to my situation. I acknowledge that I am horrible, because I know. I haven’t fully accepted that I may be infected or may be ill (coz there’s no confirmation yet), but I know I have no choice but to embrace it later on. Or I can hope and pray that certain signs are nothing but false alarm. I have to admit that it was for the most part my fault. And having admitted my fault, I should move on. Life is too short to waste on spending time with the woulda’s, the coulda’s, and the shoulda’s.
The rashes won’t be gone with the scratching and the whining. Time for some application of crème to ease the discomfort…
If this itching persists in the next few days, I’ll be consulting a doctor. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.
I tried taking pictures of the affected areas, but the shots are bad. Hardly anyone would care either. Even that guy, with whom I hooked up a few months back. I wanted to get even with him. For making me feel used. This evil mind of mine always imagines ways of revenge. It’s like not wanting to poison him, but to inflict him pain for a long time until I’m satisfied enough to end his life. Or am I just mad at myself for being recklessly adventurous?
There are these times that I felt those little withdrawal symptoms from the substance. When guys at planet romeo offer hook ups, I always ask if they use poppers, or even ecstacy or ice. There are times in the past when I SMS chem guy and ask for some high fun. When he declines due to his “busy schedule”, I get a slight feeling of disappointment and frustration. And it’s mixed with baseless doubts that he might be fucking someone else and that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him anymore. I resolved once to be silent and cut my communication with him before, but I end up texting him later and getting refused once again. It was stupid of me.
I could’ve directed passion to my family. My mom is very, very consistent with her messages. She over and over sends texts that start with “God bless”, “Praise God”, and ends with “Tsup tsup”. It was so sweet of her, but I just rea it and not rely back. After she lets me know how she noticed how infrequent I reply to her, I just tell her I’ve been busy and how I don’t have the time to reply. It was a bullshit excuse. Even worse, it was true love that I took for granted. I love my mother. She never got to high school, yet she had principles of a very respectable woman. But why am I breaking her heart? Because I chose the wrong person to pour my passions to. Because I was blinded by my worldliness. That my materialistic attitude sees the shallow things and not the more important people in this life.
And this blindness has given me more than what I’ve bargained for. My friends have warned me about chem guy; they even strongly prohibited me to see him again. True friends. But I didn’t listen. High fun was really good, so good that I needed to hide it from anyone. After four sessions of getting wasted and used, chem guy stopped seeing me. Would I be thankful that it stopped, or be upset for being “dumped”? I felt clueless at first, but as it dawned on me, I kinda denied the thought that it just ended. So after a few sms of hi’s and hello’s and a direct offer to service him, and after several times of being declined, all I could wish for was bad karma to come upon him. It was a terrible thought and feeling. It was a horrible reaction to my situation. I acknowledge that I am horrible, because I know. I haven’t fully accepted that I may be infected or may be ill (coz there’s no confirmation yet), but I know I have no choice but to embrace it later on. Or I can hope and pray that certain signs are nothing but false alarm. I have to admit that it was for the most part my fault. And having admitted my fault, I should move on. Life is too short to waste on spending time with the woulda’s, the coulda’s, and the shoulda’s.
The rashes won’t be gone with the scratching and the whining. Time for some application of crème to ease the discomfort…
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Kay Ganda ng Pasko
Di pa ko nakakapaglinis ng kwarto gawa ng pag-gym. Inuna ko pa talaga ang katawan bago ang kapaligiran. Baliwalain ko man ang aking silid, eh di ko maiiwasang pansinin ang mga lansangan at loob ng pasyalan. Damang-dama mo ang pasko, kahit mahirap ang buhay. Kahit naging mahirap ang taung ito. Sa gitna ng mga pasakit, paghihirap, at pagkakamali, may dahilan tayo (lalo na ako), para magdiwang.
Di ko pa nasisilayan ang napagkalaking palamuti sa Ayala. Pero nasiyahan talaga ako sa palamuting puno sa MOA.
Maikli man ang buhay, pwede itong gawing napakamakulay. Gaano man kalimitado ang buhay, binigyan tayo ng isip at haraya para gumawa ng mga bagay nang walang patid at tigil.
Di ko alam bakit ganun na lang naisip at naisulat ko sa pagkakita ng mga larawan. Di ko man maalis sa isip na nanganganib ang kalusugan ko, gusto kong ibaling ang mga mata at kamalayan sa paligid ko, sa ningning at gandang taglay nito. Naging malupit ang hagupit ng tadhana sa taung ito. Matatapos din ang taon nang may bagong pag-asang magsisilbing lakas sa darating na taun.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Simula na ng Pamumurga
Para akong tumigil sa paninigarilyo. Di talaga ako humihithit, pero alam ko ang pakiramdam ng pagtigil ng isang bisyo at ang epekto nito. Hinahanap-hanap mo ang mga bagay na tinanggal mo sa iyong sistema. Mula nang magresolba ako sa sarili ko na walang pakikipagniig sa susunod ng anim na buwan, kelangang panindigan. Ayokong lokohin ang sarili ko.
Minsan ko nang niloko ang sarili ko sa paniniwalang kaya kong itago ang mga kalokohan ko sa likuran ng taong minamahal lalo't higit sa Dyos. Nakapanakit ako dahil sa mga kasinungalingan ko. Ngayon, di ko pa man pinagbabayaran ang mga kasalanang iyon, gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong bungkos ng kamalian. May kelangan akong ituwid at linisin sa buhay ko.
Normal lang naman na makaramdam ng libog. Pero napapansin ko na pag may kumakalabit, mahina ang aking depensa. Buong linggo akong pasilip-silip sa planet romeo. May mga nagpakita ng interes at nagkakulitan na sa text. wala namang nangyayari kasi walang pagkakataon. Pero dapat putulin na ang namamagitan sa akin at sa tukso. At kelangang tanggalin ang mga numero ng di kaibigan o kalapit sa puso. Isa lang ito sa mga dapat kong gawin.
Magulo ang kwarto sa bahay. Minsan, di kaaya-aya ang amoy nito. Di naman mabaho, pero di rin kahali-halina sa ilong ang dating. Sira pa ang bentilador. Maraming dapat labhan at dapat plantsahin. Nagtambakan ang mga sulat at sobreng di pa nabubuksan. Amoy lungad pa ang kubre-kama at ang sapin ng ulunan. Malagkit ang sahig.
Maraming kelangang gawin ngayong Sabado.
Minsan ko nang niloko ang sarili ko sa paniniwalang kaya kong itago ang mga kalokohan ko sa likuran ng taong minamahal lalo't higit sa Dyos. Nakapanakit ako dahil sa mga kasinungalingan ko. Ngayon, di ko pa man pinagbabayaran ang mga kasalanang iyon, gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong bungkos ng kamalian. May kelangan akong ituwid at linisin sa buhay ko.
Normal lang naman na makaramdam ng libog. Pero napapansin ko na pag may kumakalabit, mahina ang aking depensa. Buong linggo akong pasilip-silip sa planet romeo. May mga nagpakita ng interes at nagkakulitan na sa text. wala namang nangyayari kasi walang pagkakataon. Pero dapat putulin na ang namamagitan sa akin at sa tukso. At kelangang tanggalin ang mga numero ng di kaibigan o kalapit sa puso. Isa lang ito sa mga dapat kong gawin.
Magulo ang kwarto sa bahay. Minsan, di kaaya-aya ang amoy nito. Di naman mabaho, pero di rin kahali-halina sa ilong ang dating. Sira pa ang bentilador. Maraming dapat labhan at dapat plantsahin. Nagtambakan ang mga sulat at sobreng di pa nabubuksan. Amoy lungad pa ang kubre-kama at ang sapin ng ulunan. Malagkit ang sahig.
Maraming kelangang gawin ngayong Sabado.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Chemistry Lessons
I’ve always learned my lessons the hard way. When I was very young, I didn’t practice good sleeping habits. Now, I always sleep late and eye circles are puffy and dark, which makes me look old and ghastly. I didn’t control myself from bare-handedly pricking my pimples during my adolescent years. Now, my face is a haven of deep scars and blemishes. I wasn’t aggressive in my career goals, that now I’m suffering being a subordinate despite having substantial experience in my field to lead even a small project.
Had I lived a clean life, I wouldn’t be worrying about my sexual health now. I’ve been rammed raw three times by chem guy, and five times in the commercial sauna, by different people. All casual. I didn’t get addicted to the substance, but I knew I was going there. I was looking for it whenever there’s a chance, though circumstances didn’t allow me access to the candy (either I didn’t have the money, or it’s simply too expensive, or chem guy is not available most of the time, or that I simply have to face the fact that I can’t risk getting caught by authorities).
But the shoulda, woulda, and coulda’s that bewildered my mind were not helping. And they’re not gonna bring me back to the original state of things. But I realized that the beauty of life is in the process of moving forward, the movement of the cycle, and the ability to stand up again. I’m in limbo right now, thinking what would be if get infected or worse, catch HIV.
The fact that I’m still not out to my family doesn’t make the situation worse. I know I have done my part being a son to my mother and a brother to my siblings. I don’t consider myself a responsible person; I’m just the type who supports them when they need help. It’s going to give my mother the shock of her life if she learns that her son (who she thought couldn’t play with fire) was carrying a deadly disease. But what concerns me more is what I would do if I get positive and how I would face life from then on. Before I cross that bridge, I need to prepare myself for the crossing.
My last fuck was Sunday, Nov 15. I have resolved that for the next six months, I’ll abstain from any form of sexual intercourse. I’ll have myself tested on the third and last month of that period. If I come clean, I’d become skeptic and have another test after a month (an extended abstinence to make sure). If the results turn positive, I’d have another test to confirm. Whatever happens, a new chapter’s going to open. It’s up to my self how I’m gonna start it. I want to begin that chapter with a positive and gay outlook.
Had I lived a clean life, I wouldn’t be worrying about my sexual health now. I’ve been rammed raw three times by chem guy, and five times in the commercial sauna, by different people. All casual. I didn’t get addicted to the substance, but I knew I was going there. I was looking for it whenever there’s a chance, though circumstances didn’t allow me access to the candy (either I didn’t have the money, or it’s simply too expensive, or chem guy is not available most of the time, or that I simply have to face the fact that I can’t risk getting caught by authorities).
But the shoulda, woulda, and coulda’s that bewildered my mind were not helping. And they’re not gonna bring me back to the original state of things. But I realized that the beauty of life is in the process of moving forward, the movement of the cycle, and the ability to stand up again. I’m in limbo right now, thinking what would be if get infected or worse, catch HIV.
The fact that I’m still not out to my family doesn’t make the situation worse. I know I have done my part being a son to my mother and a brother to my siblings. I don’t consider myself a responsible person; I’m just the type who supports them when they need help. It’s going to give my mother the shock of her life if she learns that her son (who she thought couldn’t play with fire) was carrying a deadly disease. But what concerns me more is what I would do if I get positive and how I would face life from then on. Before I cross that bridge, I need to prepare myself for the crossing.
My last fuck was Sunday, Nov 15. I have resolved that for the next six months, I’ll abstain from any form of sexual intercourse. I’ll have myself tested on the third and last month of that period. If I come clean, I’d become skeptic and have another test after a month (an extended abstinence to make sure). If the results turn positive, I’d have another test to confirm. Whatever happens, a new chapter’s going to open. It’s up to my self how I’m gonna start it. I want to begin that chapter with a positive and gay outlook.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Chemistry
I'm sure some people have experienced this. You meet someone online, exchange emails, and get comfy with each other after a substantial correspondence. Later on, the guy proposes you have chem fun. You feel apprehensive, and he assures you that he will look after your safety and (not just) satisfaction. You meet for the first time, and you don’t find the guy attractive. You also don’t find any reason to reject him, because he’s been nice on email. You give him a chance, not because you’re a good person, but because you wanted to experience what it’s like. You’ve done the romantic (kissing, hugging), the adventurous (cruising at the gym’s shower area), and the kinky (only one time, and you never enjoyed it). You’ve tasted poppers while being rimmed and rammed by both hot and not-so-hot guys in several occasions.
We did it in his place - which is a beautiful condo unit at the central business district, with an amazing view of the city. It was a studio flat with really nice interior. I’m really bad at describing the details of the place, but for me it wasn’t a den. The unit has a cozy ambience. He offered a drink, and we chatted for a couple of minutes. He offered to do the first installment – ice. We puffed a couple of times and removed our clothes. Since our fetish was underwear, we were chilling at his living room in our skimpy, low-waist briefs. I felt my heart started to palpitate – at first due to nervousness and then the ice was taking over. We talked about some stuff like my work, the music that I like, food, anything just to get relaxed. After 30 minutes, he took out a blue pill and cut it in half. We shared that pill, which according to him will take us somewhere.
He popped out some discs. Gay porn to warm up the night. On video are muscular guys getting it on. And while we’re watching the good portion, he served what is called K, a fine white powdery substance that needs to be sniffed. It’s the one that’s gonna give you a knocked out feeling, a heady and floating kind of sensation in your skull. With the wonder triplets in your system, for someone who has not taken it before, I felt really wasted but good. It was a dirty but pleasant feeling in a nice and cozy place with someone you know little about but have trusted anyway. It was a feeling like no other.
He touched me and started kissing me. It was electrifying. One of the triplets have made me sensitive to the touch; one of them made my heart beat faster, and one was giving the mild hallucinations of ecstasy. The triplets raped my system, while the guy was enjoyin my wonderland. I couldn’t contain the pleasure I was getting, that I decided to return the favor. I was eating his body and his smooth dick. It was the smoothest I’ve tasted. Like hard candy that can never get consumed. He was raving on what I was doing, and he got so hard that he stood up and asked me to bend over. He fucked me raw and I liked it.
It was a dangerous, dangerous night. All I could think of was the sheer pleasure of getting wasted and getting laid.
God help me.
We did it in his place - which is a beautiful condo unit at the central business district, with an amazing view of the city. It was a studio flat with really nice interior. I’m really bad at describing the details of the place, but for me it wasn’t a den. The unit has a cozy ambience. He offered a drink, and we chatted for a couple of minutes. He offered to do the first installment – ice. We puffed a couple of times and removed our clothes. Since our fetish was underwear, we were chilling at his living room in our skimpy, low-waist briefs. I felt my heart started to palpitate – at first due to nervousness and then the ice was taking over. We talked about some stuff like my work, the music that I like, food, anything just to get relaxed. After 30 minutes, he took out a blue pill and cut it in half. We shared that pill, which according to him will take us somewhere.
He popped out some discs. Gay porn to warm up the night. On video are muscular guys getting it on. And while we’re watching the good portion, he served what is called K, a fine white powdery substance that needs to be sniffed. It’s the one that’s gonna give you a knocked out feeling, a heady and floating kind of sensation in your skull. With the wonder triplets in your system, for someone who has not taken it before, I felt really wasted but good. It was a dirty but pleasant feeling in a nice and cozy place with someone you know little about but have trusted anyway. It was a feeling like no other.
He touched me and started kissing me. It was electrifying. One of the triplets have made me sensitive to the touch; one of them made my heart beat faster, and one was giving the mild hallucinations of ecstasy. The triplets raped my system, while the guy was enjoyin my wonderland. I couldn’t contain the pleasure I was getting, that I decided to return the favor. I was eating his body and his smooth dick. It was the smoothest I’ve tasted. Like hard candy that can never get consumed. He was raving on what I was doing, and he got so hard that he stood up and asked me to bend over. He fucked me raw and I liked it.
It was a dangerous, dangerous night. All I could think of was the sheer pleasure of getting wasted and getting laid.
God help me.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Para sa Iyo - Isang Minadaling Berso Bilang Pagpapaalam at Pagsasara ng Kung Anumang Namagitan sa Atin
Lumisan kang dala ang kapiraso ng aking puso.
Ni hindi nagsara ang kabanata ng ating pagsuyo.
Paano kita masisisi kung ako naman yung lumayo,
pagkat tiwala ko'y iyong 'pinagkanulo.
Buong akala ko'y isa kang anghel,
isang pagkataong di dapat kinakarir.
Ngunit sadyang kay bilis ng pagdating
at paglisan ng pagsintang mithiin.
Ako pala'y walang lugar sa iyong hinaharap.
Ang sabi mo'y may ibang bubuo sa 'yong pangarap.
May katuwang ka pa't ako'y panakip-butas
sa mga oras ng pag-iisa't pagkasawimpalad.
Salamat. Pinalakas mo ang aking loob.
Akala ko'y langit at lupa'y tuluyan nang sumaklob
sa nanliliit kong mundong nagunaw, tinupok,
na muling bumangon sa aso ng pagsubok.
Pinapanalnagin kong maging maingat ka
sa paghawak ng puso't damdamin ng iba.
Maging lalong maingat sa pakikipagniig,
ngayong balita koy' ika'y HIV-positive.
Ni hindi nagsara ang kabanata ng ating pagsuyo.
Paano kita masisisi kung ako naman yung lumayo,
pagkat tiwala ko'y iyong 'pinagkanulo.
Buong akala ko'y isa kang anghel,
isang pagkataong di dapat kinakarir.
Ngunit sadyang kay bilis ng pagdating
at paglisan ng pagsintang mithiin.
Ako pala'y walang lugar sa iyong hinaharap.
Ang sabi mo'y may ibang bubuo sa 'yong pangarap.
May katuwang ka pa't ako'y panakip-butas
sa mga oras ng pag-iisa't pagkasawimpalad.
Salamat. Pinalakas mo ang aking loob.
Akala ko'y langit at lupa'y tuluyan nang sumaklob
sa nanliliit kong mundong nagunaw, tinupok,
na muling bumangon sa aso ng pagsubok.
Pinapanalnagin kong maging maingat ka
sa paghawak ng puso't damdamin ng iba.
Maging lalong maingat sa pakikipagniig,
ngayong balita koy' ika'y HIV-positive.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Another One Written After Introduction but even before a Date Materializes
We're not that close.
Close friends don't flirt
at each other, and put strawberries
in their mouths. They harvest the sweetest
fruits and share them to the world.
Close friends don't kiss
to seal greetings or messages
of sweet nothings and i miss you's.
They face the music of life.
Close friends don't hug
and feed each other's fantasies.
They send each other off with love
for them to keep on their way.
We've gotten close,
because you led me on to you.
And not because we're friends.
Close friends don't flirt
at each other, and put strawberries
in their mouths. They harvest the sweetest
fruits and share them to the world.
Close friends don't kiss
to seal greetings or messages
of sweet nothings and i miss you's.
They face the music of life.
Close friends don't hug
and feed each other's fantasies.
They send each other off with love
for them to keep on their way.
We've gotten close,
because you led me on to you.
And not because we're friends.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Beauty and Grace Dwells in You
Break away from the errors of the past.
Nurture not the demon child of your weakness,
for it will only feed on your fears and frustrations.
It drains you dry of energy and spirit,
and leaves you in the jungle for dead.
Should you tackle a mountain or a mammoth,
step back. Don't run away.
A journey starts with one step;
a rival finishes in good tactic.
If you're facing a reflection of yourself
that's unattractive,
fall not into the illusion of the mind.
You were created in the image and likeness
of the Spirit. Beauty and grace dwells in you.
Nurture not the demon child of your weakness,
for it will only feed on your fears and frustrations.
It drains you dry of energy and spirit,
and leaves you in the jungle for dead.
Should you tackle a mountain or a mammoth,
step back. Don't run away.
A journey starts with one step;
a rival finishes in good tactic.
If you're facing a reflection of yourself
that's unattractive,
fall not into the illusion of the mind.
You were created in the image and likeness
of the Spirit. Beauty and grace dwells in you.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Pagbalik ng Musa
Bumalik ang Musang may kurot sa tadyang.
Nakagugulantang.
Pawang nagmula sa batis o masahian,
kinumusta ako nang may kalandian.
Ako'y napanganga; kinabog ang ganda ng haring
pinagpala ng maraming tagasuyong
nagbuhat sa iba't ibang bayan
upang hanapin ang natatanging
magpapalaya sa kanila sa kaapihan
ng pag-iisa.
Minsan nya akong dinala sa mapupulang lansangan
ng pag-aalinlangan. Nakipaglandian sa katwiran.
Nilaro ang dibdib ng kasibulan. Kinangkang
at kinamkam ang hiyas ng kahinhinan at kahinaan. Ngayon
tinutulak akong tawirin ang tulay ng panunugis,
pagbangon at pagtatagumpay. Hinahayaan akong
baybayin ang birheng kakahuyan at suyurin
ang madidilim na sulok ng kalibuga't
Sadyain ang salasalabat na landas na bihirang
sulyapan ng mga silahis ng araw.
Sinuway ko siya na parang anak sa madrasta.
Pinili kong iguhit ang mundo
sa kulay ng aking paraiso - isang bahagharing
ipinangako sa sariling hindi na muling
magbabaha ng luha o luluhod ang mga tala
kapag ang puso'y tinapon sa hangin.
Nakagugulantang.
Pawang nagmula sa batis o masahian,
kinumusta ako nang may kalandian.
Ako'y napanganga; kinabog ang ganda ng haring
pinagpala ng maraming tagasuyong
nagbuhat sa iba't ibang bayan
upang hanapin ang natatanging
magpapalaya sa kanila sa kaapihan
ng pag-iisa.
Minsan nya akong dinala sa mapupulang lansangan
ng pag-aalinlangan. Nakipaglandian sa katwiran.
Nilaro ang dibdib ng kasibulan. Kinangkang
at kinamkam ang hiyas ng kahinhinan at kahinaan. Ngayon
tinutulak akong tawirin ang tulay ng panunugis,
pagbangon at pagtatagumpay. Hinahayaan akong
baybayin ang birheng kakahuyan at suyurin
ang madidilim na sulok ng kalibuga't
Sadyain ang salasalabat na landas na bihirang
sulyapan ng mga silahis ng araw.
Sinuway ko siya na parang anak sa madrasta.
Pinili kong iguhit ang mundo
sa kulay ng aking paraiso - isang bahagharing
ipinangako sa sariling hindi na muling
magbabaha ng luha o luluhod ang mga tala
kapag ang puso'y tinapon sa hangin.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Batis
Samu't saring diwata
ang nagbabatis sa gabi,
nagtatampisaw sa dilim,
ikinukubli ang kinang at pakpak,
ibinababa ang lipad sa lupa
hanggang mairaos ang magdamag.
Nakita ko sya sa batis kamakailan.
Pawang isang malakas na siga ng apoy,
pinutakte siya ng tingin, pagnanasa, at pagtatakam.
Dinumog ng mga nagpaparamdam,
walang pakialam ang adonis
sa mga di nya nais.
Isa syang bathala
na naghihintay ng kanyang kapwa.
Nais kong mag-alay ng laman.
Baka ako'y matanggihan.
Kaya't ako'y lumayo;
sa mababang-uri nakipaglaro.
Hindi lahat ng batis,
nakapanglilinis.
Hindi lahat ng bathala,
may mata ng awa.
ang nagbabatis sa gabi,
nagtatampisaw sa dilim,
ikinukubli ang kinang at pakpak,
ibinababa ang lipad sa lupa
hanggang mairaos ang magdamag.
Nakita ko sya sa batis kamakailan.
Pawang isang malakas na siga ng apoy,
pinutakte siya ng tingin, pagnanasa, at pagtatakam.
Dinumog ng mga nagpaparamdam,
walang pakialam ang adonis
sa mga di nya nais.
Isa syang bathala
na naghihintay ng kanyang kapwa.
Nais kong mag-alay ng laman.
Baka ako'y matanggihan.
Kaya't ako'y lumayo;
sa mababang-uri nakipaglaro.
Hindi lahat ng batis,
nakapanglilinis.
Hindi lahat ng bathala,
may mata ng awa.
Our Server is Hung
I understand that language is sometimes an impediment to communication, moreso to understanding. I found the expression funny not because the sender was not fluent in English, but because he meant that the main server crashed, made all processes stop, and all programs from that server appeared to users as if the sessions have just hanged.
There's more to language than meets the eye. You can laugh at how they write in English, you can mock the way they pronounce certain words or speak certain expressions, but you can never ignore the dynamics of working in a multi-cultural environment...
Especially if you're the foreigner.
There's more to language than meets the eye. You can laugh at how they write in English, you can mock the way they pronounce certain words or speak certain expressions, but you can never ignore the dynamics of working in a multi-cultural environment...
Especially if you're the foreigner.
Happy Are Those Who Have Been Loved All Their Life
The center of turbulence is peace.
Let not the spirit be purturbed by the harsh winds,
for love is still and unshaken.
Thunder and lightning may terrify,
but the heart is kind and uplifting.
We face the unkind and insensitive in our lives;
we should welcome the good and embrace the truth.
For nothing is greater than death...
Or even worse.
If something or someone is taken away from us,
we trade our tears to the hopes of bringing them back.
But death is an unfair businessman.
We are victims of our own illusion.
Any loss can only be settled with a will to let go
of our shortcomings,
our sins,
and our past.
For the weight of the burden is an impediment to glory
and to peace.
Our hearts seek to be forgiven,
to be accepted,
and to be loved.
Tragic are the final moments,
when the one mercy
the one hope,
and the one love
were given at the last minute.
Happy are those who have been loved all their life.
Let not the spirit be purturbed by the harsh winds,
for love is still and unshaken.
Thunder and lightning may terrify,
but the heart is kind and uplifting.
We face the unkind and insensitive in our lives;
we should welcome the good and embrace the truth.
For nothing is greater than death...
Or even worse.
If something or someone is taken away from us,
we trade our tears to the hopes of bringing them back.
But death is an unfair businessman.
We are victims of our own illusion.
Any loss can only be settled with a will to let go
of our shortcomings,
our sins,
and our past.
For the weight of the burden is an impediment to glory
and to peace.
Our hearts seek to be forgiven,
to be accepted,
and to be loved.
Tragic are the final moments,
when the one mercy
the one hope,
and the one love
were given at the last minute.
Happy are those who have been loved all their life.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Isinulat sa Gitna ng Isang Whirlwind Romance na may Bittersweet Aftertaste
Ayokong isiping kinakarir kita.
Mabuti kang tao at busilak ang loob.
Pero ang ginagawa nati'y mukhang di tama.
Unti-unti na kong sa iyo'y nahuhulog.
Tinatanggi kong nilalandi kita,
pero wala akong masabi - isa kang anghel.
Hihilahin lang kita sa iyong pagkasira,
pero hangad ko sa buhay, ika'y makapiling.
Sana nga, wag mong akalaing
nilalaro kita.
Minsan na akong nagsayang
ng dyamante.
Mabuti kang tao at busilak ang loob.
Pero ang ginagawa nati'y mukhang di tama.
Unti-unti na kong sa iyo'y nahuhulog.
Tinatanggi kong nilalandi kita,
pero wala akong masabi - isa kang anghel.
Hihilahin lang kita sa iyong pagkasira,
pero hangad ko sa buhay, ika'y makapiling.
Sana nga, wag mong akalaing
nilalaro kita.
Minsan na akong nagsayang
ng dyamante.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Possible Defense To Anyone Who Would Tell Me to Make a New Year's Resolution
taken from: http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090101/tls-newyear-britain-health-aeafa1b.html
New Year's resolutions can be bad for you: mental health charity
LONDON (AFP) - - Making self-improvement New Year's resolutions often leaves people feeling worse, the British mental health charity Mind has warned.
Mind urged people not to make resolutions focusing on physical imperfections -- such as attempting to lose weight -- because they create a negative self image and lead to feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness and even mild depression.
And when such optimistic resolutions fail, that could spark feelings of inadequacy and failure, the charity warned.
"New Year's resolutions can sometimes focus on our problems or insecurities such as being overweight, feeling unhappy in our jobs or feeling guilty about not devoting enough time to friends and family throughout the year," said Mind chief executive Paul Farmer.
"We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behaviour, so it's not surprising that when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started.
"In 2009, instead of making a New Year's resolution, think positively about the year to come and what you can achieve."
Mind suggested resolution-makers focus instead on being active, connecting with nature, learning something new and working for one's community.
New Year's resolutions can be bad for you: mental health charity
LONDON (AFP) - - Making self-improvement New Year's resolutions often leaves people feeling worse, the British mental health charity Mind has warned.
Mind urged people not to make resolutions focusing on physical imperfections -- such as attempting to lose weight -- because they create a negative self image and lead to feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness and even mild depression.
And when such optimistic resolutions fail, that could spark feelings of inadequacy and failure, the charity warned.
"New Year's resolutions can sometimes focus on our problems or insecurities such as being overweight, feeling unhappy in our jobs or feeling guilty about not devoting enough time to friends and family throughout the year," said Mind chief executive Paul Farmer.
"We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behaviour, so it's not surprising that when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started.
"In 2009, instead of making a New Year's resolution, think positively about the year to come and what you can achieve."
Mind suggested resolution-makers focus instead on being active, connecting with nature, learning something new and working for one's community.
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