I was watching Friends season 8 episode 1, and it made me scared about life. In the episode, Phoebe and Monica found out about Rachel’s pregnancy. Rachel dreaded the thought of the consequences of having a child, so her girl friends suggested to take a second test to confirm. After verifying the results, Phoebe lied that it was negative. Rachel reacted rather remorseful and teary-eyed, sad for something she never had. Phoebe revealed it was really positive, that it was “not negative but positive”, which pleasantly surprised everyone. The girl friends hugged to recognize Rachel’s acceptance of the child and the embracement of her state.
I got scared because I’m going to take an HIV test today. If in the past, I was 75% confident that I could come out clean from a test, this time I have thoughts of not taking it due to the fact that I don’t want to know. I am not ready to face the truth. While speculations are bugging me, and the past hunts me like a loan shark, denial and ignorance are traitors I don’t want to be best friends with.
I make the sign of the cross as I go through this day with an anxious thought of what might come.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Little Red Rashes in the ‘Hood
I started getting itchy last Sunday, and it’s not the usual itch to get laid or have fun in the house of baths. Having seen what caused that sensation was making me worried. Rashes at the back of my neck, on left side of the chest, and in the area below the belly button were alarming. So alarming, I had to google up the relationship between rashes and HIV. On the one side, I hardly have this type of skin problem. It’s always pimples, scars, and uneven facial skin tone. One girl from Let’s Face It told me that I had the face of a late twenty-something but the body of a young adolescent. I know, I wanted to poke her with the instrument she was using to prick my pimples, but she was telling the truth. Point is, I have 90% body skin clarity and fairness. In fairness. And I take care of my skin just like a normal guy does. On the other side, it may be too early to tell that such symptoms point to Ms Aida, who could be waiting by the bridge that I’m crossing soon.
If this itching persists in the next few days, I’ll be consulting a doctor. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.
I tried taking pictures of the affected areas, but the shots are bad. Hardly anyone would care either. Even that guy, with whom I hooked up a few months back. I wanted to get even with him. For making me feel used. This evil mind of mine always imagines ways of revenge. It’s like not wanting to poison him, but to inflict him pain for a long time until I’m satisfied enough to end his life. Or am I just mad at myself for being recklessly adventurous?
There are these times that I felt those little withdrawal symptoms from the substance. When guys at planet romeo offer hook ups, I always ask if they use poppers, or even ecstacy or ice. There are times in the past when I SMS chem guy and ask for some high fun. When he declines due to his “busy schedule”, I get a slight feeling of disappointment and frustration. And it’s mixed with baseless doubts that he might be fucking someone else and that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him anymore. I resolved once to be silent and cut my communication with him before, but I end up texting him later and getting refused once again. It was stupid of me.
I could’ve directed passion to my family. My mom is very, very consistent with her messages. She over and over sends texts that start with “God bless”, “Praise God”, and ends with “Tsup tsup”. It was so sweet of her, but I just rea it and not rely back. After she lets me know how she noticed how infrequent I reply to her, I just tell her I’ve been busy and how I don’t have the time to reply. It was a bullshit excuse. Even worse, it was true love that I took for granted. I love my mother. She never got to high school, yet she had principles of a very respectable woman. But why am I breaking her heart? Because I chose the wrong person to pour my passions to. Because I was blinded by my worldliness. That my materialistic attitude sees the shallow things and not the more important people in this life.
And this blindness has given me more than what I’ve bargained for. My friends have warned me about chem guy; they even strongly prohibited me to see him again. True friends. But I didn’t listen. High fun was really good, so good that I needed to hide it from anyone. After four sessions of getting wasted and used, chem guy stopped seeing me. Would I be thankful that it stopped, or be upset for being “dumped”? I felt clueless at first, but as it dawned on me, I kinda denied the thought that it just ended. So after a few sms of hi’s and hello’s and a direct offer to service him, and after several times of being declined, all I could wish for was bad karma to come upon him. It was a terrible thought and feeling. It was a horrible reaction to my situation. I acknowledge that I am horrible, because I know. I haven’t fully accepted that I may be infected or may be ill (coz there’s no confirmation yet), but I know I have no choice but to embrace it later on. Or I can hope and pray that certain signs are nothing but false alarm. I have to admit that it was for the most part my fault. And having admitted my fault, I should move on. Life is too short to waste on spending time with the woulda’s, the coulda’s, and the shoulda’s.
The rashes won’t be gone with the scratching and the whining. Time for some application of crème to ease the discomfort…
If this itching persists in the next few days, I’ll be consulting a doctor. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.
I tried taking pictures of the affected areas, but the shots are bad. Hardly anyone would care either. Even that guy, with whom I hooked up a few months back. I wanted to get even with him. For making me feel used. This evil mind of mine always imagines ways of revenge. It’s like not wanting to poison him, but to inflict him pain for a long time until I’m satisfied enough to end his life. Or am I just mad at myself for being recklessly adventurous?
There are these times that I felt those little withdrawal symptoms from the substance. When guys at planet romeo offer hook ups, I always ask if they use poppers, or even ecstacy or ice. There are times in the past when I SMS chem guy and ask for some high fun. When he declines due to his “busy schedule”, I get a slight feeling of disappointment and frustration. And it’s mixed with baseless doubts that he might be fucking someone else and that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him anymore. I resolved once to be silent and cut my communication with him before, but I end up texting him later and getting refused once again. It was stupid of me.
I could’ve directed passion to my family. My mom is very, very consistent with her messages. She over and over sends texts that start with “God bless”, “Praise God”, and ends with “Tsup tsup”. It was so sweet of her, but I just rea it and not rely back. After she lets me know how she noticed how infrequent I reply to her, I just tell her I’ve been busy and how I don’t have the time to reply. It was a bullshit excuse. Even worse, it was true love that I took for granted. I love my mother. She never got to high school, yet she had principles of a very respectable woman. But why am I breaking her heart? Because I chose the wrong person to pour my passions to. Because I was blinded by my worldliness. That my materialistic attitude sees the shallow things and not the more important people in this life.
And this blindness has given me more than what I’ve bargained for. My friends have warned me about chem guy; they even strongly prohibited me to see him again. True friends. But I didn’t listen. High fun was really good, so good that I needed to hide it from anyone. After four sessions of getting wasted and used, chem guy stopped seeing me. Would I be thankful that it stopped, or be upset for being “dumped”? I felt clueless at first, but as it dawned on me, I kinda denied the thought that it just ended. So after a few sms of hi’s and hello’s and a direct offer to service him, and after several times of being declined, all I could wish for was bad karma to come upon him. It was a terrible thought and feeling. It was a horrible reaction to my situation. I acknowledge that I am horrible, because I know. I haven’t fully accepted that I may be infected or may be ill (coz there’s no confirmation yet), but I know I have no choice but to embrace it later on. Or I can hope and pray that certain signs are nothing but false alarm. I have to admit that it was for the most part my fault. And having admitted my fault, I should move on. Life is too short to waste on spending time with the woulda’s, the coulda’s, and the shoulda’s.
The rashes won’t be gone with the scratching and the whining. Time for some application of crème to ease the discomfort…
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Kay Ganda ng Pasko
Di pa ko nakakapaglinis ng kwarto gawa ng pag-gym. Inuna ko pa talaga ang katawan bago ang kapaligiran. Baliwalain ko man ang aking silid, eh di ko maiiwasang pansinin ang mga lansangan at loob ng pasyalan. Damang-dama mo ang pasko, kahit mahirap ang buhay. Kahit naging mahirap ang taung ito. Sa gitna ng mga pasakit, paghihirap, at pagkakamali, may dahilan tayo (lalo na ako), para magdiwang.
Di ko pa nasisilayan ang napagkalaking palamuti sa Ayala. Pero nasiyahan talaga ako sa palamuting puno sa MOA.
Maikli man ang buhay, pwede itong gawing napakamakulay. Gaano man kalimitado ang buhay, binigyan tayo ng isip at haraya para gumawa ng mga bagay nang walang patid at tigil.
Di ko alam bakit ganun na lang naisip at naisulat ko sa pagkakita ng mga larawan. Di ko man maalis sa isip na nanganganib ang kalusugan ko, gusto kong ibaling ang mga mata at kamalayan sa paligid ko, sa ningning at gandang taglay nito. Naging malupit ang hagupit ng tadhana sa taung ito. Matatapos din ang taon nang may bagong pag-asang magsisilbing lakas sa darating na taun.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Simula na ng Pamumurga
Para akong tumigil sa paninigarilyo. Di talaga ako humihithit, pero alam ko ang pakiramdam ng pagtigil ng isang bisyo at ang epekto nito. Hinahanap-hanap mo ang mga bagay na tinanggal mo sa iyong sistema. Mula nang magresolba ako sa sarili ko na walang pakikipagniig sa susunod ng anim na buwan, kelangang panindigan. Ayokong lokohin ang sarili ko.
Minsan ko nang niloko ang sarili ko sa paniniwalang kaya kong itago ang mga kalokohan ko sa likuran ng taong minamahal lalo't higit sa Dyos. Nakapanakit ako dahil sa mga kasinungalingan ko. Ngayon, di ko pa man pinagbabayaran ang mga kasalanang iyon, gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong bungkos ng kamalian. May kelangan akong ituwid at linisin sa buhay ko.
Normal lang naman na makaramdam ng libog. Pero napapansin ko na pag may kumakalabit, mahina ang aking depensa. Buong linggo akong pasilip-silip sa planet romeo. May mga nagpakita ng interes at nagkakulitan na sa text. wala namang nangyayari kasi walang pagkakataon. Pero dapat putulin na ang namamagitan sa akin at sa tukso. At kelangang tanggalin ang mga numero ng di kaibigan o kalapit sa puso. Isa lang ito sa mga dapat kong gawin.
Magulo ang kwarto sa bahay. Minsan, di kaaya-aya ang amoy nito. Di naman mabaho, pero di rin kahali-halina sa ilong ang dating. Sira pa ang bentilador. Maraming dapat labhan at dapat plantsahin. Nagtambakan ang mga sulat at sobreng di pa nabubuksan. Amoy lungad pa ang kubre-kama at ang sapin ng ulunan. Malagkit ang sahig.
Maraming kelangang gawin ngayong Sabado.
Minsan ko nang niloko ang sarili ko sa paniniwalang kaya kong itago ang mga kalokohan ko sa likuran ng taong minamahal lalo't higit sa Dyos. Nakapanakit ako dahil sa mga kasinungalingan ko. Ngayon, di ko pa man pinagbabayaran ang mga kasalanang iyon, gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong bungkos ng kamalian. May kelangan akong ituwid at linisin sa buhay ko.
Normal lang naman na makaramdam ng libog. Pero napapansin ko na pag may kumakalabit, mahina ang aking depensa. Buong linggo akong pasilip-silip sa planet romeo. May mga nagpakita ng interes at nagkakulitan na sa text. wala namang nangyayari kasi walang pagkakataon. Pero dapat putulin na ang namamagitan sa akin at sa tukso. At kelangang tanggalin ang mga numero ng di kaibigan o kalapit sa puso. Isa lang ito sa mga dapat kong gawin.
Magulo ang kwarto sa bahay. Minsan, di kaaya-aya ang amoy nito. Di naman mabaho, pero di rin kahali-halina sa ilong ang dating. Sira pa ang bentilador. Maraming dapat labhan at dapat plantsahin. Nagtambakan ang mga sulat at sobreng di pa nabubuksan. Amoy lungad pa ang kubre-kama at ang sapin ng ulunan. Malagkit ang sahig.
Maraming kelangang gawin ngayong Sabado.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Chemistry Lessons
I’ve always learned my lessons the hard way. When I was very young, I didn’t practice good sleeping habits. Now, I always sleep late and eye circles are puffy and dark, which makes me look old and ghastly. I didn’t control myself from bare-handedly pricking my pimples during my adolescent years. Now, my face is a haven of deep scars and blemishes. I wasn’t aggressive in my career goals, that now I’m suffering being a subordinate despite having substantial experience in my field to lead even a small project.
Had I lived a clean life, I wouldn’t be worrying about my sexual health now. I’ve been rammed raw three times by chem guy, and five times in the commercial sauna, by different people. All casual. I didn’t get addicted to the substance, but I knew I was going there. I was looking for it whenever there’s a chance, though circumstances didn’t allow me access to the candy (either I didn’t have the money, or it’s simply too expensive, or chem guy is not available most of the time, or that I simply have to face the fact that I can’t risk getting caught by authorities).
But the shoulda, woulda, and coulda’s that bewildered my mind were not helping. And they’re not gonna bring me back to the original state of things. But I realized that the beauty of life is in the process of moving forward, the movement of the cycle, and the ability to stand up again. I’m in limbo right now, thinking what would be if get infected or worse, catch HIV.
The fact that I’m still not out to my family doesn’t make the situation worse. I know I have done my part being a son to my mother and a brother to my siblings. I don’t consider myself a responsible person; I’m just the type who supports them when they need help. It’s going to give my mother the shock of her life if she learns that her son (who she thought couldn’t play with fire) was carrying a deadly disease. But what concerns me more is what I would do if I get positive and how I would face life from then on. Before I cross that bridge, I need to prepare myself for the crossing.
My last fuck was Sunday, Nov 15. I have resolved that for the next six months, I’ll abstain from any form of sexual intercourse. I’ll have myself tested on the third and last month of that period. If I come clean, I’d become skeptic and have another test after a month (an extended abstinence to make sure). If the results turn positive, I’d have another test to confirm. Whatever happens, a new chapter’s going to open. It’s up to my self how I’m gonna start it. I want to begin that chapter with a positive and gay outlook.
Had I lived a clean life, I wouldn’t be worrying about my sexual health now. I’ve been rammed raw three times by chem guy, and five times in the commercial sauna, by different people. All casual. I didn’t get addicted to the substance, but I knew I was going there. I was looking for it whenever there’s a chance, though circumstances didn’t allow me access to the candy (either I didn’t have the money, or it’s simply too expensive, or chem guy is not available most of the time, or that I simply have to face the fact that I can’t risk getting caught by authorities).
But the shoulda, woulda, and coulda’s that bewildered my mind were not helping. And they’re not gonna bring me back to the original state of things. But I realized that the beauty of life is in the process of moving forward, the movement of the cycle, and the ability to stand up again. I’m in limbo right now, thinking what would be if get infected or worse, catch HIV.
The fact that I’m still not out to my family doesn’t make the situation worse. I know I have done my part being a son to my mother and a brother to my siblings. I don’t consider myself a responsible person; I’m just the type who supports them when they need help. It’s going to give my mother the shock of her life if she learns that her son (who she thought couldn’t play with fire) was carrying a deadly disease. But what concerns me more is what I would do if I get positive and how I would face life from then on. Before I cross that bridge, I need to prepare myself for the crossing.
My last fuck was Sunday, Nov 15. I have resolved that for the next six months, I’ll abstain from any form of sexual intercourse. I’ll have myself tested on the third and last month of that period. If I come clean, I’d become skeptic and have another test after a month (an extended abstinence to make sure). If the results turn positive, I’d have another test to confirm. Whatever happens, a new chapter’s going to open. It’s up to my self how I’m gonna start it. I want to begin that chapter with a positive and gay outlook.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Chemistry
I'm sure some people have experienced this. You meet someone online, exchange emails, and get comfy with each other after a substantial correspondence. Later on, the guy proposes you have chem fun. You feel apprehensive, and he assures you that he will look after your safety and (not just) satisfaction. You meet for the first time, and you don’t find the guy attractive. You also don’t find any reason to reject him, because he’s been nice on email. You give him a chance, not because you’re a good person, but because you wanted to experience what it’s like. You’ve done the romantic (kissing, hugging), the adventurous (cruising at the gym’s shower area), and the kinky (only one time, and you never enjoyed it). You’ve tasted poppers while being rimmed and rammed by both hot and not-so-hot guys in several occasions.
We did it in his place - which is a beautiful condo unit at the central business district, with an amazing view of the city. It was a studio flat with really nice interior. I’m really bad at describing the details of the place, but for me it wasn’t a den. The unit has a cozy ambience. He offered a drink, and we chatted for a couple of minutes. He offered to do the first installment – ice. We puffed a couple of times and removed our clothes. Since our fetish was underwear, we were chilling at his living room in our skimpy, low-waist briefs. I felt my heart started to palpitate – at first due to nervousness and then the ice was taking over. We talked about some stuff like my work, the music that I like, food, anything just to get relaxed. After 30 minutes, he took out a blue pill and cut it in half. We shared that pill, which according to him will take us somewhere.
He popped out some discs. Gay porn to warm up the night. On video are muscular guys getting it on. And while we’re watching the good portion, he served what is called K, a fine white powdery substance that needs to be sniffed. It’s the one that’s gonna give you a knocked out feeling, a heady and floating kind of sensation in your skull. With the wonder triplets in your system, for someone who has not taken it before, I felt really wasted but good. It was a dirty but pleasant feeling in a nice and cozy place with someone you know little about but have trusted anyway. It was a feeling like no other.
He touched me and started kissing me. It was electrifying. One of the triplets have made me sensitive to the touch; one of them made my heart beat faster, and one was giving the mild hallucinations of ecstasy. The triplets raped my system, while the guy was enjoyin my wonderland. I couldn’t contain the pleasure I was getting, that I decided to return the favor. I was eating his body and his smooth dick. It was the smoothest I’ve tasted. Like hard candy that can never get consumed. He was raving on what I was doing, and he got so hard that he stood up and asked me to bend over. He fucked me raw and I liked it.
It was a dangerous, dangerous night. All I could think of was the sheer pleasure of getting wasted and getting laid.
God help me.
We did it in his place - which is a beautiful condo unit at the central business district, with an amazing view of the city. It was a studio flat with really nice interior. I’m really bad at describing the details of the place, but for me it wasn’t a den. The unit has a cozy ambience. He offered a drink, and we chatted for a couple of minutes. He offered to do the first installment – ice. We puffed a couple of times and removed our clothes. Since our fetish was underwear, we were chilling at his living room in our skimpy, low-waist briefs. I felt my heart started to palpitate – at first due to nervousness and then the ice was taking over. We talked about some stuff like my work, the music that I like, food, anything just to get relaxed. After 30 minutes, he took out a blue pill and cut it in half. We shared that pill, which according to him will take us somewhere.
He popped out some discs. Gay porn to warm up the night. On video are muscular guys getting it on. And while we’re watching the good portion, he served what is called K, a fine white powdery substance that needs to be sniffed. It’s the one that’s gonna give you a knocked out feeling, a heady and floating kind of sensation in your skull. With the wonder triplets in your system, for someone who has not taken it before, I felt really wasted but good. It was a dirty but pleasant feeling in a nice and cozy place with someone you know little about but have trusted anyway. It was a feeling like no other.
He touched me and started kissing me. It was electrifying. One of the triplets have made me sensitive to the touch; one of them made my heart beat faster, and one was giving the mild hallucinations of ecstasy. The triplets raped my system, while the guy was enjoyin my wonderland. I couldn’t contain the pleasure I was getting, that I decided to return the favor. I was eating his body and his smooth dick. It was the smoothest I’ve tasted. Like hard candy that can never get consumed. He was raving on what I was doing, and he got so hard that he stood up and asked me to bend over. He fucked me raw and I liked it.
It was a dangerous, dangerous night. All I could think of was the sheer pleasure of getting wasted and getting laid.
God help me.
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