My Brother Is Not A Pig! He's just a Jejemon.

I love my siblings. I love them so much that even their being silly in chat and messaging doesn't bother me. Okay, sometimes it bothers me. But fraternal love overrules opposition.

When the people called jejebusters emerged, I didn’t' realize there were jejemons in this world. And two of my beloved are part of this breed.

Take for example a private message sent to me by bunso on Facebook:

Bunso: kua kmusta poh ? .. god bLess !

Me: Ayos lang. Kayo, musta?

Bunso: auis Lng nmn poh d2 .. kua sa b-day ni mama ca uuwi ? ingat ca Lgi ahh ..


I don't mind the spelling or form of the message. I'm biased to say that it came from the youngest in the family, who at his age should be writing in good Filipino. I should correct his ways. One of these days, I shall tell him. Nagkulang ako sa pagpapalaki sa aking mga kapatid. Isa akong masamang kuya. Choz.

But if you think about it, the message is sweet. When read, it's a bit irritating and a little annoying. But when I considered the concern and thoughtfulness of the sender, I know that there was love beneath that jejemonic composition.

I care that my brother is a jejemon. Not because people make fun of youngsters like him, but because I feel that I'm partly responsible for what they've become. I take it as their form of expression. A fad. A temporary thing that they do since they are innocent (or ignorant?) youngsters.

I believe he'll get past this phase and compose messages like normal people do.

It's okay to make fun of the jejemons. But to call them retards is below the belt. Are the jejemons the new jologs? Kawawa naman. Para namang mutation ang dating.

Pero kapag nag-birthday na siya sa Hunyo at ganyan pa rin sya mag-message, boboljakin ko na sya. Iba naman ang nakiki-uso sa egregious, noh.

A Shadow

I'll be a shadow for the moment,

for the meantime,

until I find my own spotlight.

I'll be following

movements

speech

and style

until I find my own.

I'm gonna be a backup

before I become the main act.

Reminder

I missed twelve calls during my workout. One was from my mom, and the rest from an unknown number.

When I called mom, she said the family's fine, but they didn't call me several times. Then she said F was asking for my number, and he's probably trying to contact me.

I read F's message before I called my mother. The text said he'll be a consultant in a big company. I was glad to receive that message.

F is an ex, who after our breakup, shut me out of his life and later on added me in again as a friend, only to be unfriended again in the end. But you can't blame him.

I was the one to blame for the incident.

I called F to say hi.

Me: "Nabasa ko yung text mo. Congratulations on your new job."

F: "Natanggap akong consultant. Ito kasi yung dream job mo para sa akin, kaya nung nakuha ko ito, ikaw unang sumagi sa utak ko."

Me: "I know. And regards to G (his bf of several months)".

F: "Okay. Kinakabahan ako kung kakayanin ko yung trabaho. Hindi kasi ito on-the-job training. Sasabak ako agad sa trabaho..."

Me: "Kaya mo yan. Bilib naman ako sa yo eh."

F: "Pero sabi nila, di naman mataas ang expectations nila sa akin, basta alam nila na may kakayahan akong gampanan yung trabaho."

Me: "That's good."

And we talked for a bit more, before I bid him goodbye.

It got me confused, wondering. When I got home, I called him again.

F: "Bakit po?"

Me: "Mag-uubos lang ng load. Mag-expire na kasi eh."

F: "Ah. Sa tingin mo, mahirap yung consulting? Wala akong experience sa ganyan eh."

Me: "I'm sure ite-train ka naman ng kumpanya."

F: "Yun naman ang sabi nila. Tutulungan naman nila ako sa ginagawa ko eh."

Me: "Bakit mo ako in-unfriend?"

F: "Well..."

Me: "Akala ko kasi we're in good terms. Tapos, one day wala na ko sa list mo."

F: "I had to remove you. Ayoko makita ka. Naalala ko kasi yung mga stupid decisions na ginawa ko noon. I'm in a difficult situation right now. Siguro, I'd want to focus on this new chapter in my career."

Me: (after a momentary silence) "Gaano na kayo katagal?"

F: "Mga six months na."

Me: "Bakit wala ka sa puder nya?"

F: "Weekday ngayon. Gusto nga ng mother nya na dun ako ako palagi eh."

A loud beep came in, signaling my balance is low and the conversation may get cut.

Me: "I need to hang up. Mauubos na load ko. Thanks for taking my call."

F: "Ok. Bye-bye."

I couldn't find a single song in my ipod to go with my solace. I only played whatever sad song was available for listening. I let out some sadness and tears before I fell asleep.

Liham-lihaman

Dear F,

Have you gone to school? When I was studying, we were taught to write a letter that begins with a salutation. How do I put this sensitively? Your messages are utterly rude and bullyish. You may be in a managerial position, but your manners do not match the professional rank that you possess. Just because you're close to the top honcho doesn't give you the license to act like that.

Hatefully yours,
~Carrie~
@}-----

Dear W,

You have the confidence of a dance diva, but the body of a bullfrog. You think you know the choreography, but you sometimes forget the moves and make up your own. You even bragged about teaching a choreo that you haven't shared for a while, thinking you executed it flawlessly. Guess what, you sucked. You probably suck your partner better than sucking a dance class. How did you become a group exercise instructor? I dunno what standards the club has, but your manager should know about this. And no one, not even me, can give feedback, because we don't care that much about improving the experience of the class. But I hate you for such an injustice in this world, and I hate myself for condoning that kind of injustice.
Lots of loathing,
~Carrie~

@}-----

Dear Self,

You're the biggest loser of them all. You can't find a new job, you were not given a promotion, much less even a small raise, and now you're fucking up at work. You're blaming yourself right now for giving inconvenience to the company for a small mistake with drastic impact.

Kasalanan mo naman kasi. Palpak yung trabaho mo. Tapos, away-awayin ba naman yung consultant. Kung mag-tantrums ka, daig mo si La Greta. At ang dami mo pang backlog sa ibang areas ng trabaho mo. Paano ka bibigyan ng promotion? Asa ka pa sa increment. Ayusin mo muna yang trabaho mo, bago ka magreklamo tungkol sa buhay, ok?

Ngayon, I forgive you. Iwasto mo yang mga kamalian mo. Magpa-good shot ka sa boss at mga kasama sa trabaho, para at least kung lilisanin mo na sila, eh wala silang masabing nega sa 'yo.

Tungkol kay F, wala na tayong magagawa dun. Imposible namang mag ala-Virginia P. ka at lampasan ang estado nya sa opisina. Tanggapin mo na lang na may mga ganyang tao at si Lord na bahala sa kanila.
Tungkol naman sa instructor mong si W, hayaan mo na sya. Kung hate mo sya, wag mo nang puntahan yung klase nya. Kung gusto mong baguhin yung experience mo sa class, step up, take training in coaching and develop your dance skills para makapagturo ka ng sarili mong klase. Otherwise, pumunta ka sa ibang fitness clubs para sa mga classes at instructors na gusto mo.

Mayado kang emosyonal ngayon. Tignan mo, nagba-blog ka sa gitna ng trabaho. Professional ba yan? Ilabas mo na lang sa mga friends mo ang hinanakit mo at lilipas din yan. Better yet, makipagsex ka tonight. Have some dirty fun, at baka makalimutan mo pansamantala mga pasanin mo. Pero alalahanin mo, hindi magbabago ang realidad pagdating ng Lunes. Sandali kang umatras sa kinalalagyan mo ngayon at tignan ang kabuuan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sa gayon ay marami kang maiwawasto at maitutuwid. Magmuni-muni ka. Maglayag. Choz. Magpasalamat ka na lang at weekend na - may panahon kang magpahinga, magrelax, at mag-isip-isip. Hamo na. Lilipas din ang mga masasamang pangyayari. Darating na ang mga mabubuting bagay.

Nagmamahal,
~Carrie~

Rockafellas Rock

What a Butch Francisco, Butch Jimenez title.

The Youtube video below captures great Pinoy talent in the Streetboys. Some of the members are now being showcased at Universal Studios in Singapore, which is having its soft opening (as opposed to the hard one, choz) from now till 16 April 2010.



And the Sean Paul music is so infectious. The chorus of "Watch Dem Roll" goes like this: (lyrics taken from http://www.lyricsmania.com/watch_dem_roll_lyrics_sean_paul.html)


Shake dat booty baby
Turn it round and round
Spin it win it Tek it low and mek it touch di ground
Such a cutie baby lemme see yuh roll
Spin it win it girl and make mi wan tek u home

These boys dance as if they don't have bones or that they have wings. They move light, quick, and amazing. Whether or not their choreography is original, I'm hands down on their talent and effort to entertain. So what if they're not JabbaWockeeZ? Heck, they're Rockafellas and they rock the Universal Studios down!

Feel Good Song - Million Dollar Bill Freemasons Remix by Whitney Houston

Written by Alicia Keys for her idol, "Million Dollar Bill" is included in Whitney Houston's album "I Look to You". The Freemasons remix is part of the Bodyjam 52 bonus block, which I can't wait to groove on in the gym. Hehe. Listen to the music below and read the lyrics for your enjoyment.




Lyrics: c/o www.musicloversgroup.com


Came in the door
Checked in my coat
And who I’m looking for
Is staring in my face, ooh
They played our song
We hit the floor
He held me strong
And we danced the night away

I can see the way that he is making me feel
This way about his love
I’ve been looking for something like this
I’m saying ooh oh oh oh ooh oh oh !

If he makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
If makes you go left, right, up, down
Makes you spinning round and round
Say ooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !

It’s been a long long time
Since I fell, fell
Love has found my way oh oh oh
I’ve been looking (looking)
I’ve been searching (searching)

For the man to touch this place, oh ooh oh yeah
Can’t deny the way that he’s making feel
This way about his love
I’ve been searching for something like this
I’m saying oooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !
If he makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
Makes you go left right up down
Makes you spinning round and round
Say oooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !

If he makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
Makes you go left, right, up, down
Makes you spinning round and round
Say oooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !
If you feel good
If you’re feeling good,
Put one hand in the air, say yeah
If you feel good
If you’re feeling good
It’s cause love is in the air
Love is in the air

If he makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
Makes you go left, right, up, down
Makes you spinning round and round
Say ooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !
If he makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
Makes you go left, right, up, down
Makes you spinning round and round
Say ooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !

My baby
Ooh
C’mon and say
C’mon and say
Ooh
C’mon and say
Ooh

Below is the official video of the song. You can sense the Alicia Keys touch in the composition. I find the semikal, slim chef cute and sexy (00:26). And at some point, Whitney looked like Rihanna with the haircut (02:16).


I like Alicia Keys' use of the metaphor "million dollar bill". There's no such thing, but it gives you the message that if he treats you like gold, keeps you beside him securely that you won't go away, holler back at the bitch, I mean the singer.

Picture Muna

Some photos to spice up the weekend.

Interpretations of in somnis veritas VIII by red the mod Part III

Our dreams are some of the most intriguing concepts in life. Oprah says it is "a unique calling" for each and every one of us, as in an ambition. John Updike says that dreams are there to "incite us to have them". Another figure was quoted, "dreams are windows to the soul" - just as our eyes. Dreams are a gift and humans are privileged to have this kind of capacity - the power to create images in our sleep. Our dreams are actually a blurry and mysterious reflection of our inner and deeper aspirations in life - our dream home, what type of life we aspire for, even the partner we've been longing for.

For Red, his contemplations about this ideal person or partner is dream-like. He wrote an eighth installment of in somnis veritas to express his strong feelings about the person who would complement not what is lacking or missing in the persona, but what is already there - the negative (or perceived to be not-so-tolerable qualities like "the flail", "the catatonic", "the rigid", "clandestine", or "lecherous") and the positive (or accepted traits like being empathic, lucid, and gracious).There's welcoming and hope.

In the last part of the poem, the author intensifies the drama and contrast by using paradoxes. The conjoined contradictions create more expression to the point of exaggeration. Then the tone eases and relaxes, with a soft finishing touch.

Braid a barren bestiality with your behemoth brand,
The use of the oxymoron "barren bestiality" heightens the contrast that was established in the poem. This line becomes surreal, and even more exaggerated with the use of "behemoth brand". If anything, it's a euphemism for something I personally like, if not referring to the admiree's famous name. Why would the persona unite his barren bestiality with the admiree's behemoth brand? Oh, as it is being written, it just occured to me it's a euphemism for sex - which I think is clever. *Grin*

Dancing deranged until dawn’s despotism.
The despotism of dawn is another strong paradox. We usually see dawn as a gentle beginning, not as a tyrant or a violent end. But if the sex is really that good, and you've not done it for some time, you wouldn't want that session to end, would you? And by morning, you don't have a choice but to end it, unsure if it's gonna happen again, much less if the repeat is as naughty or pleasing - if not more lecherous and intense - than the last.

Meander your mischief manhood morose,
If anything, I'd like to consider it as euphimism for something that gets relaxed when it has been tense for a long time.

Pleat this prolonged perturbance with pristine peace.
The persona likes tranquility to finish off the tension. It's also a signal for a grooving-down, after an intense grinding till dawn.

Sealing my serenity in solemn sensuality.
The last line caps it off. The peace and tranquility that he desires is coupled with sensuality. It's much like an afterplay. The soft /s/ and /l/ sounds of the words suggest a gentle caress after the consummation.

The whole poem is like a dream sequence: the persona finds the ideal lover, wants to be with that person despite negativities, they make immense love with each other, and ends in solemn sensuality.

Quoting Vince D'Angelo, Bobby Cannavale's character in the sitcom "Will & Grace", "I'm like an onion, I have layers." The same applies to in somnis veritas VIII. The poem doesn't make use of dramatic words to give the reader the message that his ideal guy is all a dream - and that the love-making and the ideal relationship remains like that - ideal. The poem uses techniques to create drama, tension, and contrast successfully, bringing its readers to a level they've never gone before. The reader has to peel out its skin, and then has to dissect those layers of fleshy thoughts to get to the core of the poem. And in doing so, the reader appreciates the work of the author.

Interpretations of in somnis veritas VIII by red the mod Part II

Dreams surely are difficult, confusing, and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. For fleeting dreams have two gates: one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. Those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive, bringing tidings which come to nought, but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them. - Homer (800 BC - 700 BC), The Odyssey

In the first part, I wrote about my fascination to in somnis veritas VIII, a poem in a series of contemplations written by red the mod. The first verse tells us the persona's strong desire to welcome his admiree in his world. There's tension between the heart and the mind, and contention for complementation and reciprocation. The next verse supplements this belief with the hope on love as a powerful force of change and redemption.

Genuflect gustatory glimpses by your graces,

It's like the persona is saying "My eyes can't look directly at your beauty and elegance" or "My sight is humbled by your goodness/graciousness". It could mean intimidation, but the use of genuflect is more for reverence and respect rather than fear or awkwardness.

Catch my catatonic character’s clandestine cravings.
Discern the persona's erratic personality and hidden desires. The /k/ sounds indicate unspoken passion.

Nurture the nestled nymph by nightfall,
The reference to the mythological creature, the nymph, connotes promiscuity or hypersexuality in the modern sense. But the more noticeable thing is the use of "nurture". My initial impression of this line was "bring up or develop the inner slut [of the persona]".

According to wikipedia, however, nymphs in the mythological sense are like muses of mother nature:
"Nymphs are personifications of the creative and fostering activities of nature, most often identified with the life-giving outflow of springs: as Walter Burkert (Burkert 1985:III.3.3) remarks,"The idea that rivers are gods and springs divine nymphs is deeply rooted not only in poetry but in belief and ritual." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nymph) So if one nurtures a nymph, then it means raising and honing the creative skills of one person.

When the line ends "by nightfall", one can immediately infer that the nymph connotes the modern and derogatory term for a wanton person. And nurture the nymph may mean, "to tame the repressed sexual capacity" of the persona.

Elate the expunged empath with esoteric embraces.
The word empath is symmetrically in the center of the line. I had to google the word to find any references. It turns out that there's a Star Trek episode in 1968 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Empath) with the word in the title. Below extract describes what an empath is:

"[The empath] uses a mental power to absorb injuries, taking it on [him or her] and then dissipating [the wounds], healing [the injured] instantly." The persona likens him/herself to a shock absorber, a healer who must take in the lashes to save the victim.

So, my interpretation of this line is "comfort (if not to make happy) the outcast and injured soul with the attention and care of the admiree" (I could've said love, but love is universal, as opposed to the "esoteric" nature of caring and attention). A very special kind of love has become available to a few fortunate couples - the intimate and romantic kind which has trust, fidelity, and honesty as the perfect elements of a lasting relationship.

The second verse tells us that the persona believes in the saving power of love or a healthy relationship with someone. It doesn't state that the persona adores the admiree as a Messiah, but that there's redemption in loving someone and in being loved. As a by-product of this redemption, love tames the "nestled nymph" and contains or puts order, if not possibly heals, the "catatonic character" of the persona.

To be concluded...

Interpretations of in somnis veritas VIII by red the mod Part I

I had dreams of having sex with someone, and it looked so real, felt so real, that I was made to believe it was happening at that moment. Truth is, that time, I was longing so much for a great time in bed that my dreams started to reflect that desire. Some people say that dreams are the opposite of what's really going to happen, as the case of nightmares. Let's admit it, dreams make us wonder and contemplate on its meaning and nature.

Red wrote his contemplations to create an eighth installment of in somnis veritas. I personally got hooked on the author's use of alliteration and allusion in it. I have copied the original verse below with the permission of the author. I felt the strong emphasis of the author's feelings towards a person being admired, hence the alliteration. References to a creature in mythology and a prefecture of Greece suggest a factor of reminiscing - clear but sensuous.

Disclaimer: this piece of writing is not a criticism of Red's poem, but an appreciation of how his muse made him weave such a work of wonder.

in somnis veritas VIII

by red the mod

[Alliterati]

Allure the ardor against arresting apathy,

Fill my florid flailing by your fortitude.

Lift languid laconia lucid and lecherous,

Revising the rigid roster of my rubbored rantings.

Genuflect gustatory glimpses by your graces,

Catch my catatonic character’s clandestine cravings.

Nurture the nestled nymph by nightfall,

Elate the expunged empath with esoteric embraces.

Braid a barren bestiality with your behemoth brand,

Dancing deranged until dawn’s despotism.

Meander your mischief manhood morose,

Pleat this prolonged perturbance with pristine peace.

Sealing my serenity in solemn sensuality.

In somnis veritas, in Latin, literally means "in dreams there is truth". Below paragraph describes how dreams can be connected to reality through the human psyche, but are still unfathomable:

"People have long been fascinated with dreams and determining their meaning. In the old days, dreams were considered to be important messages from the gods. Even today, dreams are thought to say something about the future or reveal desires and fears. This fascination with dream interpretation has given way to dream psychology, which attempts to examine the thoughts and behavior of individuals through dream analysis. Dreams still largely remain a mystery and our understanding of them is as muddled as our dreams themselves." - http://fresharticles.info/articles/psychology/dream-psychology-43.txt

In somnis veritas VIII is as abstract as a dream, hardly any concrete or solid object mentioned. But amazing how impenetrable it is at first reading, that when one tries to "translate" or interpret it, the meaning becomes more comprehensible. It is open to a lot of interpretations and can morph into different meanings according to a reader's perception.

Let me, at this point, make my own interpretations per line.

Allure the ardor against arresting apathy,

In my opinion, the persona is convincing his mind to oppose his emotions. Mind over feelings. It could also mean to drive one's knowledge to override his carelessness, probably of the world, of life, or of anything he doesn't care about. We're very familiar with the adage, "knowledge is power". But applied knowledge is true power. Knowledge, if not exercised properly, would not empower a person, and would not turn into wisdom. "Arresting apathy" is one factor for one's knowledge to remain stagnant and could become a disadvantage to one who doesn't apply knowledge in everyday living.

Fill my florid flailing by your fortitude.

My initial interpretation of this line is that the persona is letting the admiree complement his effeminate side with the admiree's masculine qualities (as the "fl" sound denote flambouyance, and the word fortitude expresses a manly quality of resisting temptations or hardships).

Lift languid laconia lucid and lecherous,

I translated it as: "Make my lifeless thrift in words scintillating, titillating." Or, it could mean: "turn my concise (boring?) way of life to be lively with a bit of sex in it." I like the reference of laconia in this line.

The word "laconic" is derived from the name of the region (in Greece) by analogy - to speak in a concise way, as the Spartans were reputed by the Athenians to do. (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laconia)

Revising the rigid roster of my rubbored rantings.

The way I see it: "Transforming the list of his supposed complains in life, or changing the way he sees life".

The first verse can be understood as the persona's hope that his feelings would let the admiree change him for the better. Probably, (and please note the next portion is reading between the lines already) the persona has gone through much in the past that he doesn't care about relationships anymore. But someone must have swept him off his feet, and he realized that he can give this person a chance.

To be continued...

A Healthy Perspective

I owe myself an explanation, and my friends and kumares who expressed their concern and sympathy. Thank you. Sabaw na ko kahapon in real life, pati ba naman sa blogosphere? Kalokah.


Hindi gimmick or pakana yung entry ko about depression. Yeah, nagpapansin ako, pero dahil sa comments nyo, naibsan naman nang slight yung nararamdaman ko.

What could've triggered this feeling are a lot of things - low self-esteem, the repercussions of past mistakes and negligence, and insecurities that are difficult to remove.
 
But what came to my rescue was McVie's advice to me: have a healthy perspective - of myself, my sexual habits, my life, etc. With his words in mind, yeah, I could overcome this depression.
 
For the low self-esteem - I need to tell myself that I need to work hard for something because people believe in my potential. They may not promote me now, or make me pass a course, but the fact that they did not give failing marks or that they just withheld me from clearance, means I still can continue to work on improving my skill. It may take time, it will, but I think the work will pay off. 
 
As regards my insecurities, I have to believe in myself. I may not be the best, but I can still do the things I want to do. It may not be my craft, but I have the skill - the skill which I can develop further. I may  not be the best in the field, but I'm still good at what I do. There may be no channels for training, but I believe that the opportunity will come at the right time.
 
I can never bring back the past, but I can correct my mistakes by learning from them. I haven't cleaned up the mess yet, but sooner or later, I'll be fixing my situation. My choices and decisions brought me to where I am now, and there may sometimes be regrets and at times satisfaction. But I have to tell myself to be happy for the blessings and the good things I'm getting in life. I could've benefitted more, had I made more correct choices and decisions. But this present isn't as bad as it seems.
 
Now that I've hit rock bottom, there's no other way but up. But how far upwards do I wanna go? I'd like to think I wanna take advantage of it and enjoy my way there, rather than bring it so high so soon, that I'd fall again so much faster, sooner, and harder than the last.

A Depressing Result

http://depression.about.com/cs/diagnosis/l/bldepscreenquiz.htm


Q: Do you feel sad or irritable? Yes


Q: Have you lost interest in activities once enjoyed? Yes


Q: Have you experienced changes in weight or appetite? No


Q: Have you experienced changes in sleeping pattern? Yes


Q: Do you have feelings of guilt? Yes


Q: Are you unable to concentrate, remember things, or make decisions? Yes


Q: Have you experienced fatigue or loss of energy? No


Q: Have you experienced restlessness or decreased activity noticed by others? No


Q: Do you feel hopeless, or worthless? Yes


Q: Have you had thoughts of suicide or death? No


You answered 6 items out of 10 "Yes". According to The National Mental Health Association, 5 or more yes answers indicates that you may be suffering from clinical depression. This test cannot substitute for a visit to a mental health professional. It is meant only to give you an idea where to start a dialogue with your healthcare provider.

Tonight (Above and Beyond Remix) by Dirty Vegas

Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight my friend,

Ive got this feeling that I hope will never end
Tonight, tonight, tonight I see
these precious moments that mean everything to me
I wanna be with you
Right here with you
I wanna be with you
Right here with you
(I wanna be, tonight)
(I wanna be, tonight)
(I wanna be, tonight)


 
Emotera mode ako while writing this entry. I spent my Holy weekend in a boot camp. Good Friday, drills. Saturday, more drills. Easter Sunday - completing more drills and the finale.


No, it wasn't a booty camp. No, the drills are actual exercises and not the dirty kind. Come to think of it, I miss getting dirty. Hindi ako malinis ha. Alam nyo yung feeling na naputikan ka, pinagpawisan nang husto, nalangisan yung damit at balat, naalikabukan sa ash storm, etc, pero di ka naligo. Para lang akong nakulob. In other words, wala akong ginawang cleansing ritual. Kaya hindi ako malinis o nagmamalinis. As is lang. Neutral. Kebs.

Kasama kasi sa drills itong kantang ito. Nakaka-indak. Kahit wala ako sa club, feeling ko nasa Bed ako. Or O-Bar. Ang saya ng feeling - light and carefree.

Eto ka, nung pinakinggan ko ang lyrics, nag-emote naman ako. Nabuhay bigla ang longing ko for a partner. Kasalanan mo to, Galen. Nung sinabi mong ang sarap siguro ng feeling na ka-hug o ka-fuck mo mahal mo sa buhay, saka ko naman na-miss yung thought na sana may partner ako. Echos lang sa "kasalanan mo, Galen" part.

Nag-teary eyed ako with sabaw ang utak moment. Nakakainis. Pero ganun ako.

Gusto ko lang i-share yung song. Malamang narinig nyo na ito sa dancefloor.

Saka, wag kayong magiging sabaw tulad ko.

Di makulay ang buhay sa sinabawang utak.

Washing of the Feet

Na-miss ko ang mga days na nagsakristan ako sa community.

Yes, this slut used to be an altar boy. Either ako yung humawak ng insenso, tumulong sa paring maghugas ng paa ng mga "disipulo", o buhatin ang pascal candle.

Ang saya nun. Tuwing umaga, may dress rehearsal. Pagkatapos nun, kakain kami ng munggo at galunggong with rice for lunch. Sa tanghali, manonood kami ng Oro Plata Mata, Himala, Tinimbang Ka Ngunit Kulang, or whatever sine special sa local channels on a Maundy Thursday.

Sa gabi, gather-gather na kami ng mga kabarkada ko (who now know about my orientation). Nakabihis na kami sa plaza. Since maliit lang ang kapilya at ito ang isa sa mga panahon na madami ang deboto, sumunod sa pasko, kailangan sa plaza talaga ang misa. Ewan ko lang ngayon, pero noon, may mga 12 lay men talaga na nagbibihis ng disipulo from holy Monday to Good Friday para makasama sa estacion ng cruz at seven last words mass. Ang partisipasyon ko lang noon ay sa Huwebes hanggang Pasko ng agkabuhay. Bongga ang eve ng Easter,  may gimmick talaga si Father para ma-illustrate yung salvation from darkness and redemption from sin. Hindi naman ako sacrilegeous, I just want to express admiration ko sa effort and creativity ng mga tao.

Sa misa, handa na naman lahat na kelangan. Execution na lang kami. Wait for cue na lang. Gusto ko rin maging reader noon - para lang makasuot ng bestida, humarap sa tao, at iparinig ang aking magandang boses sa isang madamdaming pagbigkas. Chos! So ako, incense-bearer. Kapag gospel reading, incense sa altar at sa pari. May portion pa na mag-incense ako sa audience. May-I-bow muna, then incense. Wala naman akong nakaka-embarass na karanasan, kaya naalala ko pa ito. Pero medyo limot ko na yung details kasi memory gap. Ageing na lolo mo.

Yun lang naman mai-share ko on this Maundy Thursday.

Have a solemn weekend, guys.