Puta Ring On It

Carrie is engaged.

Charot!

Mon (not his real name) and I went to have some kaya bread after a wacky body jam class in the evening. Wacky kasi he's not into it, but he can dance. The thing is, he just couldn't follow the instructor, so he danced to his heart's content. It was our first exercise together. After he took a shower and changed, he asked me to walk him to the reception of the club and spend some minutes at the coffee shop. So we were at the table, and he took out what seemed to be silver and cylindrical from his bag.

"Hulaan mo kung magkano 'to," said Mon.

"Wait..." We've done the guessing game before. On a shirt that I thought was $20 but then it was only $10.

So, I said, "$5?"

"Mahal. $2 lang. Jewelry shop. Sale eh."

Some guys just have an eye for good buys.

"Silver?" sounded like a stupid question, considering I already saw the color. Asar talo ako sa color argument namin dati. I was wearing a blue-green shirt, which I described to him simply as blue one time. Katakot-takot na pang-aalaska inabot ko sa kanya. Architecture graduate eh, so kelangan particular daw sa mga bagay-bagay - sa bilang, sa sakto, pati sa kulay.

"Hindi, stainless." Ewan ko kung namimilosopo, pero hindi naman nya ko binara. O baka nag-iingat na sya dahil madali akong mapikon.

"Suutin mo. Pag ayaw mo na sa akin, ibalik mo. Para di ka na mahirapang magsalita, kung sakali."

Kung sakali.

The morning before that conversation, I told him I woke up crying in tears. We already saw each other the night before that, and almost everyday. Apparently, he was more excited and happy to see me. I, on the other hand, was okay. We had a hearty quarter pounder meal at McDonald's, fried chicken at KFC, and kiwi-honey waffles at another shop. We really had a great time, but I felt different. I wasn't as happy as he was, and I felt that I was more happy in the early days of our meet ups. Or maybe the mood was getting in the way.

That's when I began to sense a fear that I might lose another good friend. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but I just feared I might reach the point of taking him for granted just because of the fact that he has greater love and joy for us.

So he gave lent me the ring to symbolize our lasting friendship. He assured me that he will never go. I told him that it wasn't about that. It was more for me that I would again end up wasting my chance at love.

After eating the toast, I bade him goodbye and went back to the gym to finish my training.

P.S. I have not gone to the bathhouse for three weeks and counting. So far, walang withdrawal symptoms. Haha.

How It Feels Like

Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng ahas.

KALOKAH!

Being the freakin' regine, it's different. It gave me a new outlook to life. It was a learning and worthwhile experience.

Di pa ko nakaranas nang masulutan ng iniibig. Sa bathhouse, naranasan ko nang masulutan ng booking. Nasa harap ko na yung borta, may lumapit lang na mas maganda sa akin, naging hangin na. Masakit. Nakakapanghinayang. Pero ang mas malungkot, kung nabooking mo sya at di rin pala exciting yung sex nyo. Nadilaan mo nga sya pero hindi mo nasubo. Frustrating. So, alam ko ang feeling ng nasulutan.

Di pa ko nakaranas nang masulutan ng iniibig. At kung mangyari sa akin yun, sana buong puso kong tanggapin yung katotohanan na hindi kami para sa isa't isa. I remember my ex told me, nung kami pa, na sa dami ng pumormang lalaki sa kanya, mga magagandang lalaki talaga, pinili nyang manatili sa tabi ko. Ganda ko lang, di ba? Ang punto ko lang, kaibigan, eh kung uukol yan, bubukol yan. Kung kayo'y para sa isa't isa, kahit anong pang-aahas ang gawin ng ibang tao, hindi kayo malalayo. Ibig ding sabihin nyan, nasa sa tao yan kung bibigay sya sa tukso.

Pero di ko sinamantala ang kahinaan ng tao sa akin. Gusto kong ilahad ang buong storya kung paano ako nakipagkaibigan sa kaibigan ng aking kaibigan, at kung paano naging masalimuot ang takbo ng mga pangyayari. Pero iiwan ko iyon sa amin na lang. Sa tingin ng nasaktan, sinaktan ko sya para sa pansarili kong kaligayahan. Magmumukha lang akong defensive.

Sa tingin ng madla, ako ang nagkasala. Kung ito ma'y idadaan sa paglilitis, sa korte, malakas ang argumento ko.

Kasi kung guilty ang puso ko sa salang pagtatraydor, bakit ang saya ko at nagagawa kong magpost ng mga nakakaumay na statuses sa facebook? Bakit nakangiti ako sa paggising sa umaga? Bakit ang saya-saya ko pag kasama ko sya? At bakit hindi ako nagdalamhati sa isang lumisang kaibigan?

It's either I have a callous conscience or a clear one. I am pretty sure (hindi sa pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko), na hindi unscrupulous ang konsensya ko.

I told rowell that people will never understand what I did. I will only be judged and condemned for what is apparently snatching somebody else's prospects. Not catch, but prospects.

Bakit hindi ako guilty? Sincere yung intention kong makipagkaibigan dun sa guy eh. Ang tanging guilty lang ako eh yung maling approach para kaibiganin sya.

Nakakaloka talaga; ang complicated kasi.

Despite the complications, the guy got close to me. He accepted me for being the slut that I am. I may be a slut, but I'm the best slut there is. Chos!!!

It's ok if ex-friend wishes to shut me out of his life. He said I already committed too many transgressions or misdemeanors. Bakit hindi ako nagsisising nawala sya? I guess there was not enough investment in our friendship. True, there were good memories. True, we had good times and bad. But what I couldn't believe was he'd sharply remember my faults, as if listing them in his mind, so that when the time comes, he'd use it to sling against me.

I read Rudeboy's comment in John Stan's blog: all you need is to give people enough rope. I guess I used my friend's all up. At ang pagpapakita nya ng ugaling di ko inaakalang ilalabas nya ay sapat nang rason para hindi na ko magmakaawa pang ibalik ang pagkakaibigan.

Sa lahat ng mga nangyari, natutunan kong mahirap unawain ang ahas. Pero may mga ahas na may rason para gawin nila ang mga bagay na ginawa nila. Katanggap-tanggap man sa ibang tao o hindi, importante pa rin kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan nilang totoo at pinanghahawakang prinsipyo. Isa lang ang pwede mong gawin: panindigan ito o iwasan mong maging ganito. Kung tutuusin, mas magaan pa ang sitwasyon ko kesa sa dinaranas ng mga third party at querida. Wala kasing violence na naganap, pero sapat na emosyonal trauma ang naranasan ko para matuto nang husto sa sitwasyong ito.

For all it's worth, I felt regret at first, but I got very, very happy with my situation now. Major, major majorette na happy!

To An Ex-Friend

This is the first time I saw a friendship die due to circumstances I thought would not hurt our bond.

The past few days have been silent, and for you they were treacherous, cunning, and scheming. Because you suspected that I was doing something behind your back, that I was little by little taking away what's supposed to be yours. And that thought grew into the idea that I am betraying you, destroying your trust, and violating the sanctity that was respect for each other as friends. The past few days have been silent, because I was not communicating with you. The past few days were cunning, as I was seeing the guy you wanted to have a relationship with. The past few days proved that I chose a stranger over someone I've known longer, over whom I've bonded with.

It weakens me to hear your argument with the guy. It was over the phone, you didn't know that I was with him the time you called him. And even if I couldn't hear your end, it was very uncomfortable seeing him so tensed and distressed during the conversation. I couldn't imagine how furious you were at me for doing a crime -  acrime of passion. And what a great timing it was, that when he put his phone on my ear, you raised your voice saying you're shutting me out in your life. It was heart-breaking.

It was heart-breaking, because I cherish our friendship.

After that phone call, he was worn out, as if blood was sucked out of his system. I was disturbed. I couldn't hide the anxiety. The sadness and fear were overwhelming. I was sad that you refused to reach out and settle, and feared that you might cause greater damage by maligning me, knowing that you've kept some of my secrets.

That moment was like a nightmare. And I'm glad that I woke up from it. It dawned on me that I couldn't keep you as a friend.

I never thought you could do worse things to people. I had this high regard for your personality. You never speak ill of your ex, who gave you hell when you broke up. You never talk trash about people who have done you wrong. You got my respect there. But why did you tell him that 1) I'd never stop pestering a guy until I had sex with him; 2) that I hook up with a lot of guys (bumu-booking was the exact word); and 3) my show of goodness will always demand something in return.

What have I done to you to deserve that kind of feedback? You said that it started in your birthday party. I desecrated it by flirting with the guy. For Pete's sake, you made the guy act as your front to deflect your issues with the other two "admirers". At some point in your party, you made him feel insecure, when you were obliviously talking to one of them. He didn't want to drink but because of insecurities, he forced himself to take alcohol in order to endure what was happening. When we were talking, you asked us who should you choose betwen the two, and you literally discounted this guy from your selection. Paano ba maging kasing-ganda mo? That's not the point. Did I really commit a mortal sin for complimenting your guest?

Why didn't you just let me confess those things to him? The guy wanted friendship; I accepted his offer. And in order for me to bond with him, I had to lay all my cards to him. Yes, I like him. And that's all the reason I had to connect with him. And I also know that it will not progress to a relationship, because I wanted him to be straight. He's confused, and I don't want to mess his dream of having a family someday. But why discourage him to be friends with me by maligning me?

That was the reason I didn't want to tell you about our growing friendship. I knew you'd feel betrayed, you'd feel robbed, and that you'd be offended. But you hurt me by backstabbing me in the first place. You first violated the respect of friendship that we're supposed to follow. If I was silent all along, it was because I almost cried at the thought of what you said to the guy. All along, I thought you were a friend.

And he was never yours in the first place. You were never an item. Fine, you wanted to pursue him. But he didn't want to be chased. He wanted a confidant, not a lover. You refused that. I was approached, and I hesitated, because I considered you first and foremost. Eventually, I accepted the deal, because I knew what I was getting into.

Even this one.

He said that you uttered a lot of malicious things about me during your argument over the phone. I didn't want to hear that. I think you've already said the worse about me. I'm no righteous person, mind you, but what you did was unfair and foul. I am sad that we had a falling out just because of a guy. But it's even sadder to think that just for a guy, you could lash out a friend who was never competing with you in the first place.

Echoserye Ep 3 - Kaibigan Lang

"Balahura ka, friend!" exclaimed GC, a female friend. I couldn't justify my flirting with cute guy CG. He and the birthday celebrant was an item.

Or so I thought.

On facebook: CG has sent a message.

Think that I am doing a huge mistake, but I want to ask you if you can be my best friend? Literally... Someone I can trust. I am hopeless and I need someone. Just let me know whatever your decision is. Please don't tell (celebrant) first, surely he will be mad.

If having a boyfriend can be achieved in days or weeks, can a best friend be found in a day? Of course not, you have to earn it through years of bonding and mutual experiences.

We met up for dinner, just so we can discuss the problem that's been eating him up for a long time already. When I brought it up, he said he's not yet ready to reveal it. I wanted to smack him right there and then. But I can't. He looks adorable.

"Please don't think I'm the celebrants's boyfriend. We're not a couple."

I wasn't relieved by the statement or sad for my friend or remorse or whatever. I was glad I saw him again. That was all that mattered to me.

"Your friend wanted us to be more than just friends. I could only offer him my friendship. He said he already had a bestfriend. I felt dumped."

As I see it, my friend offered a relationship this guy couldn't accept, and so my friend must've thought he got dumped. This guy offered only friendship and my friend refused, and so the guy thought he got dumped.

We chatted for hours, and I poured my heart out to him. I told him about my past relationships, my bookings (and explained what a booking was), but I'm not yet ready to talk about the bathhouse. Too soon to tell him. He already got surprised about how sexually active I am. In other words, ako pa yung nag-confide sa kanya.

"Here's the deal. I want to have someone I could call my best friend. Someone I could trust and tell my secrets to. Someone I can sympathize with during times of personal crisis and problems. Someone I could hug.

"I can never be your boyfriend. You can expect me to cuddle with you in bed, hold me, kiss me, but no sex. No kissing on the lips, no exchange of fluids, no grabbing of the crotch, whatsoever.

"I'm still the type of person who wants to have a family, who wants to make love to a girl..."

"It's a deal." I answered, after a long silence and pondering.

I had to question his approaching a gay man to be his best friend. He said if I knew his problem, I would agree that he did the right choice of confidant, that I can only listen to his problems but may not offer solution, that I can never get involved in a complicated situation.

That ever elusive problem was the riddle of that night.

I guess people will never understand us for accepting each other as confidants.

Song of the Moment: Wish I Could

Lyrics:

I wonder where you are right now

Wish I could see you somehow

Can't seem to ease the pain

Since you've been gone nothing's been the same

How I wish you could've stayed awhile

How I wish that I could see you smile for me

Wish I could hold you in my arms

Keep you safe and keep you warm

But now all I can do

Is hope and long for you

You're in my mind every night and day

Wishing you're part of me in every way

'Coz all I wanted to do was to always be there for you

Wish that I could tell you just how much I love you

I guess I should not fear

'Coz I know God can hear (I know)

And He's telling me you're alright

And there's no need to worry

Oh my baby, I am so sorry (so sorry)

If I had known, maybe you could've been here with me

Wish I could hold you in my arms

Keep you safe and keep you warm

But now all I can do

Is hope and long for you, you, you, you

You're in my mind every night and day

Wishing you're part of me in every way

'Coz all I wanted to do was to always be there for you

How I wish I could hold you in my arms

Keep you safe and keep you warm

But now all I can do

Is hope and long for you

You're in my mind every night and day

Wishing you're part of me in every way

'Coz all I wanted to do (I wanted to do)

Was to always be there for you

Wish that I could tell you just how much I love you

(Wish I could)

Wish that I could tell you...that I love you

Echoserye ep 2 - Balahurang Bullfrog

Carrie has a nasty habit of flirting with someone else's catch. Back when he was in Manila, when he belonged to a group of gay guys, he was dallying with one of his friend's date. Although he didn't get ostracized, he never got his friends' respect ever since. Here in Singapore, he tried to have the person who's supposed to be set up for the birthday celebrant. This was in May. And just recently, he got enamored with a cute guy (CG) whom the celebrant likes so much.

Hear me out, readers. I may be one of the most evil anaconda on the face of the earth. I am owning my first mistake in Manila. That is one really inappropriate, crass, and just plain balahura thing in the world. The second incident is just all-is-fair-in-love-and-war thing (the celebrant was and is still in a relationship and he wanted the guy for his birthday - I know exhibit B to the court, proof that some gay men are swine).

This time, cute guy CG was not dating my celebrant-friend (CF) at all. But knowing the fact that CF liked him sets the boundaries. And I'm not supposed to cross that line.

Tell me, dear, handful readers of mine - why is Carrie such a Jane the snake?

Vortally Yours Pt 2

Vortally Yours Part 1

Vorta guy VG did not retaliate, after I put my arm on him. At first I thought his hand would push mine away, but it was only a knee-jerk reaction. After realizing there was no resistance, I stayed in the position for some time. Neng, kahit mangawit ako, nakayapos ako sa bewang nung tao. Haha. Desperada lang, db? Lihim ni Antonio moment ito.

When everyone was up, some of the guests left, and then only five of us stayed for breakfast. We chatted and the topic was VG's question on how and when CF got to know he was gay. CF, being the ever maboka person, almost told his life story of his emancipation. And then he asked the question back to VG. VG answered that it was absurd (syempre, hinuhuli namin eh). We rephrased the question, "have you ever considered going for the same sex? If a guy makes his move on you and wants to give you head, would you allow him?"

At that point, he was pondering on the question. At first, he couldn't get the question right, but when we explained it to him, he said he'd give in for the experience. And that gave him away. Even the night before, we asked him who among the gay guys he might wanna have sex with. His reply was a thought, rather than firm dismissal of the question.

That afternoon, we sent off a friend, went for a swim, and had wholesome fun in the water. VG raised another question: have you been to a gay orgy? CF said no. I said yes. Our other friend did not answer. I asked him, "Would you try it if given a chance?" He said yes - for the experience.

CF fired, "would you do it with us?"

VG affirmed.

CF lit up.

I knew where it was going.

We went back to the room. CF confirmed with VG if he was game. He asked me if I was in it, and I said yes. He asked our other friend, but he wasn't willing. I advised our other friend to stay in the bathroom until I knock as a signal that the deed was over.

It happened too fast. Like a plunge. It was now or never. There was hesitation. But the thought that this opportunity would never come again made me decide to try it out. Talo-talo na. We were all single. CF was horny as hell, VG was curious, and I was just plain kaladkarin. VG was starting to show signs of hesitation -of backing out - and we had to act fast before his interest wears out.

When we were done, I told my other friend to come out of the bathroom. I took a shower, while VG was at the sink, cleaning himself. He said goodbye and immediately left for an appointment for which he's running late.

We'd never expect we'd take the plunge. CF was not attracted to VG, but VG was interested at him. I, for one, wanted a piece of VG. Without CF's cheekiness, it wouldn't have happened. I wasn't cocky enough to make sexual advances to VG. Ang nagagawa naman ng libog at peer pressure, di ba? Ani Kane, gay men are swine. Ngyahahaha!

I was just happy that the party was full of fun, laughter, and togetherness. I didn't know an after-party thing was going to happen the next day.

Vortally Yours Pt 1

It was a birthday party blast, held in one of the chalets in the east side. It was a get-together to remember - old friends who haven't seen each other for a long time, new friends got introduced, and cuties came to mingle. Of all the guests, vorta guy VG was the apple of my eye. He came with his gym stuff, wearing a black cotton singlet and board shorts so long it made him appear shorter (he stands 5'6"). His face was average, but his nicely sculpted upper body, smooth tanned skin, and boyish aura compensated for it. He caught the attention of some of the PLU guys in the party. Some acted as if they were single, when they're partner was not in that party.

Me and close friend CF haven't confirmed if VG's gay. We see him at the gym, most of the time talking to CF. CF told me I always ignored him because he was scrawny back in the day. But the thing is, we never got introduced until the night of the party, so VG really doesn't know me at all. But CF was all miss congeniality at the gym that he talks to almost anyone he meets in the studio for group exercise. VG also attends the same class as CF, and CF befriended him last year. After a few months, VG went from scrawny to brawny, through self-learned weight training and determination to get big. And so, the insignificant became interesting.

CF said he and VG would always plan something like having a meal after gym, but it didn't push through for some reason. He was surprised that VG showed up for the party. CF had a hunch VG is gay, but he had no proof. We had no proof, until the following day.

When midnight struck, karaoke was on. I was the designated tequila tender. At first, I was giving out really high shots. Sorry, amateur eh. But I made it a point that VG gets plenty of spirits that night. Hihihi. He was receiving with no question, as he was pretty much game for anything that night. I know I was so scheming.

But karma took the best of me. I was the first one to drop down drunk. Later on, the gays would tell me that I was competing with the sounds. I now hold the record for the loudest snore in the group. They would turn the mic to me to amplify the noise I was making, while some song was being played. "Oh, Carrie, ikaw naman." Haha, mga walanghiya.

I woke up with my head throbbing like hell. The karaoke was finished, and every one had his own spot for sleeping. VG was beside me. He was laying face down, his fleshy shoulders facing me. I stared at him, from hair to butt, which was something. The hangover didn't stop me from beholding him.

I went to the bathroom to pee. Then I drank a glass of water to ease the hangover. I went back to my spot since it was only 6 am, and I wanted to sleep through the headache.

VG turned around and put his arms above his head. His armpit had nice hair and it was fair. The chest was wonderful, with his man-nips bakat from the singlet. The midsection was narrow and looks tight, and the bulge in his shorts was like icing on the cake, waiting to be licked.

It took me some time to muster my guts. After making small movements as if struggling to get some sleep while touching him, I put my arms on his waist without getting retaliation.

(Tsuzuku)

Jennifer, Jennifer - Nasan Ka?

"Guys, may ikukumpisal ako sa inyo."

Anticipated silence.

"I'm a gay."

Bumigay na ako sa pressure. Lasing ako nun, nakayuko, at tila tulalang nag-aantay ng dramtic cue kay Direk. Kasalanan ko naman, di ko maipakilala si "Jennifer", ang nagkukunwaring girlfriend na sa totoong buhay ay bakla din pala. Masyadong inconsistent ang mga kwento ko tungkol sa amin. Maraming loopholes. At madalas nilang nakikitang kasama ko ay hombre kesa merlat. Tuwing sumasama ako sa tagayan, di maiiwasang mapag-usapan ang ganitong mga bagay. Sa inuman, ang pulutan ay sex, love life, at kung si ganito ba ay bakla.

Pag nagkakayayaang mag-inuman, iwas na iwas na ako sa usaping relasyon. Sa paksang sex, nagkukunwari akong may karanasan, samantalang ang mga sinasabi ko ay nababasa ko lang sa xerex, sa wiki, at sa porn.

Bakit gusto nila akong hulihin? Bakit ayaw kong magpahuli?

Ang tao ay likas na mapagtanong. Kumbaga, usisero. Tsismoso. Hehe. Sa barkadang purong lalaki, di maiiwasan ang spekulasyon sa isang katoto na may kakaibang kinikilos. Bakit wala ka pang girlfriend? Sino kasama mo nung isang araw? Sino kausap mo sa telepono at bakit kayo nagsisigawan? Bakit madalas kayong magkasama ni ganito?

Mga tanong na di mamatay-matay pag di mo sinagot. At pag sinagot mo naman, may follow-up. At sasagutin mo ito ng isa pang kasinungalingan. Syempre, ikaw, mapipilitan kang humabi ng isang ginantsilyong kwento tungkol sa love life mo na hindi totoo. At pag nagkamali ka ng sulsi, lagot na ang kabuuan ng iyong piyesa.

Nung nalaman na ng barkada ko ang totoo, givenchy na ang acceptance.

"Tol, tanggap ka pa rin namin."

"Ayos lang yan. Barkada ka pa rin."

"Baka sa susunod naka-damit pambabae ka na ha." Naman. Di ko magagawa yan, kahit winish kong kasing hubog ko si Venus Raj at suot-suot ko ang mga sinuot nya sa Ms Universe, hanggang imahinasyon na lang ang ganyang pagtatangka.

"Alam na namin, hinihintay ka lang naming umamin." Tignan mo, talagang mamamatay lang ang alab ng pag-usisa pag inamin mo na sa kanila. Syempre, hindi pa natatapos dyan, iku-kwento mo pa sa kanila yung totoo. Syempre, parehong storya, iniba lang ang karakter. Ise-share ko na rin sana yung nagaganap sa kama, kaya lang ayaw nilang marinig. LOL.

Bakit ayaw kong magpahuli sa kanila? Ayokong magpahuli, kasi andun pa yung takot ko na mag-iiba ang tingin sa akin ng barkada. Baka isipin nilang niloloko ko sila, o kaya may lihim na pagtingin sa isa sa kanila at nagkukunwaring maging bahagi ng barkada para makasama sa mga inuman. Pero sa panahon ngayon, bukas na ang utak at kamalayan ng tao sa kabaklaan.

Nirirespeto nila ang kasarian ko, pero kung sinusuportahan nila ang mga ginagawa ko, hindi ko masabi. Basta, nandun yung mungkahi nilang maging ligtas ako sa mga "chorva" ko.

Dating nagkukuwari akong maging butch sa inuman; ngayon pwede na kong maging ako sa kanila. Hindi naman ako malambot na malambot, o nagtutumili habang kausap sila, pero malaya akong magbiro at gumamit ng gay lingo nang hindi napagdududahang bakla. Kasi alam nilang galing sa bakla. Meron pa nga sa kanila, umaasang magbabalik-loob ako. Natutuwa ako na may kaibigan akong busilak ang intensyon nila para sa akin. Ewan ko kung hindi pa rin nila matanggap ang tungkol sa akin. I think they still believe that someday I'll have a change of heart. Matagal na akong pusong mamon eh.

Matapos ng aking pag-amin, iba naman ang pinuntirya nilang lumabas. Na para bang may misyon silang ilabas ang lahat ng bakla sa barkada. Haha.