This is the first time I saw a friendship die due to circumstances I thought would not hurt our bond.
The past few days have been silent, and for you they were treacherous, cunning, and scheming. Because you suspected that I was doing something behind your back, that I was little by little taking away what's supposed to be yours. And that thought grew into the idea that I am betraying you, destroying your trust, and violating the sanctity that was respect for each other as friends. The past few days have been silent, because I was not communicating with you. The past few days were cunning, as I was seeing the guy you wanted to have a relationship with. The past few days proved that I chose a stranger over someone I've known longer, over whom I've bonded with.
It weakens me to hear your argument with the guy. It was over the phone, you didn't know that I was with him the time you called him. And even if I couldn't hear your end, it was very uncomfortable seeing him so tensed and distressed during the conversation. I couldn't imagine how furious you were at me for doing a crime - acrime of passion. And what a great timing it was, that when he put his phone on my ear, you raised your voice saying you're shutting me out in your life. It was heart-breaking.
It was heart-breaking, because I cherish our friendship.
After that phone call, he was worn out, as if blood was sucked out of his system. I was disturbed. I couldn't hide the anxiety. The sadness and fear were overwhelming. I was sad that you refused to reach out and settle, and feared that you might cause greater damage by maligning me, knowing that you've kept some of my secrets.
That moment was like a nightmare. And I'm glad that I woke up from it. It dawned on me that I couldn't keep you as a friend.
I never thought you could do worse things to people. I had this high regard for your personality. You never speak ill of your ex, who gave you hell when you broke up. You never talk trash about people who have done you wrong. You got my respect there. But why did you tell him that 1) I'd never stop pestering a guy until I had sex with him; 2) that I hook up with a lot of guys (bumu-booking was the exact word); and 3) my show of goodness will always demand something in return.
What have I done to you to deserve that kind of feedback? You said that it started in your birthday party. I desecrated it by flirting with the guy. For Pete's sake, you made the guy act as your front to deflect your issues with the other two "admirers". At some point in your party, you made him feel insecure, when you were obliviously talking to one of them. He didn't want to drink but because of insecurities, he forced himself to take alcohol in order to endure what was happening. When we were talking, you asked us who should you choose betwen the two, and you literally discounted this guy from your selection. Paano ba maging kasing-ganda mo? That's not the point. Did I really commit a mortal sin for complimenting your guest?
Why didn't you just let me confess those things to him? The guy wanted friendship; I accepted his offer. And in order for me to bond with him, I had to lay all my cards to him. Yes, I like him. And that's all the reason I had to connect with him. And I also know that it will not progress to a relationship, because I wanted him to be straight. He's confused, and I don't want to mess his dream of having a family someday. But why discourage him to be friends with me by maligning me?
That was the reason I didn't want to tell you about our growing friendship. I knew you'd feel betrayed, you'd feel robbed, and that you'd be offended. But you hurt me by backstabbing me in the first place. You first violated the respect of friendship that we're supposed to follow. If I was silent all along, it was because I almost cried at the thought of what you said to the guy. All along, I thought you were a friend.
And he was never yours in the first place. You were never an item. Fine, you wanted to pursue him. But he didn't want to be chased. He wanted a confidant, not a lover. You refused that. I was approached, and I hesitated, because I considered you first and foremost. Eventually, I accepted the deal, because I knew what I was getting into.
Even this one.
He said that you uttered a lot of malicious things about me during your argument over the phone. I didn't want to hear that. I think you've already said the worse about me. I'm no righteous person, mind you, but what you did was unfair and foul. I am sad that we had a falling out just because of a guy. But it's even sadder to think that just for a guy, you could lash out a friend who was never competing with you in the first place.
