Say My Name, Say My Name

Magba-blog lang ako na parang wala lang nangyari. Ala-Biblia lang, wit mention ng 30-year gap. I maybe was too ashamed too private about my personal life during the months and years that I was absent here. Nawalan din ako ng ganang mag-blog, yung muse escort ko, naging mailap din. Well, I'm sure, di nyo naman naramdaman yung absence ko. Charot not charot. (Anlakas maka-Demi Lovato).

Anyways, during that dark time, I went to see a Chinese numerologist, 'coz you know- I'm a devout Catholic. There are theories that one's name has indications to general luck, love, finance, and health. My reason for doing so? I wanted to check if my name had to do with the misfortunes that was happening at that time, and in my life in general. Desperate krung-krung na ko nyan, kung ano ano na maisipan out of distress and depression.

Back story: I lost my job in 2011, met the love of my life prior to that year, went on to be in-between jobs for almost three years, got swamped in debt due to bad decisions, did some casual jobs to make ends meet, made more bad decisions and mistakes, got up again to have a second chance at my career, and the rest is an ongoing struggle to survive get by. I forgot what made me ultimately decide to go to a feng shui expert, maybe because there wasn't enough online material for it? Ginoogle ko na ang lahat, ngunit kulang. Charet.

Long story short, the feng shui "master" told me that my name is not auspicious. For a second I had a sigh of relief, coz I thought I had a normal name - unang akala ko, not autistic. AMPF.

Eto ka, sabi nya sa kin mamamatay daw ako in a body of water, as the numerological equivalent of my name suggests. Naloka ako. Gusto ko tumambling pero sa liit ng opisina nya, baka bumulagta lang ako. Since then, I had phobias of going to the beach, of cruising on water, etc. Kaya every time na gusto ni Pards na mag-kayak or mag-snorkeling or even magbabad sa balde, natakot na ako. Feeling ko, malulunod ako at yun na ang katapusan ko. Sa dami ng kasalanan at mga gusto kong matupad sa buhay, kamatayan ang huling nasa hinagap.

Suggestion pa ni manong feng, magpalit daw ako ng pangalan, yung makapagdadala ng swerte at magpapabago sa kapalaran ng buhay ko. Syet, ilang libo din gagastusin ko sa name change sa mga papeles ko, noh (Patollah Khomeini lang sa suggestion wahaha). Unahin ko na lang muna sex change bago name. Char. Masaya na ko sa katawang lupa ko, kahit amoy lupa na hahahaha.

Years later, na-realize ko (tagal ah), kahit gaano pa kamalas yang name ko na yan, eto ang binigay sa akin ng mga magulang ko at eto ang nakagisnan ko na. Yung kamalasang naranasan ko, kagagawan ko yun. Ako ang nagdulot, ako dapat ang mag-ayos. Kaya, God help me on my next steps.