Kalokang Dream

I woke up around 4 in the morning from a vivid dream.

I woke up crying.

My grandmother died more than a year ago. Due to circumstances, I decided to send money instead of getting a ticket to visit home. The price of the ticket was big enough to cover expenses for the wake and funeral, so I thought it would be more practical to send money than to be present during the solemn rites. I felt smug, but not satisfied about the decision. I wasn't really close to my lola, and her death brought a feeling of loss because I was cold to her for years.

Yesterday, I screwed up a phone interview due to lack of preparation. It was my fault and I was hard on myself. Usually, other people are hard in me. Chos. But this time, I felt down-hearted because it's one of those interviews one gets rarely due to high competition in the market. And then I f*cked up coz I got mentally blocked while being asked, no bombarded, by questions. I felt like I needed to be alone in my room and not heading to the gym for the meantime.

I grabbed a pint of ice cream from the fridge. I watched House on my video player while playing words with friends. I caught up with some blogs and slept early... in the morning. As in almost 1 am already. Then a dream formed that I was in a church; I saw grieving women who turned out to be my mom and aunts. And as far as I can remember the dream, I was there behind them.

I started crying. And I was really sure I was crying to my lola's coffin. I felt that grief towards a certain person and it was to my lola. I hugged all the women who I thought were my aunts from my mom and dad's side. I opened my eyes which welled up and swollen from the tears.

Humagulgol ako, promise. And it wasn't the first time that it happened.

What I realized pa was that among the women crying before the coffin was my lola! How weird was that? I was grieving to someone who is among the crying ladies. Who was in that coffin anyway? Or was it my brain playing tricks on me (that in the actual dream my lola wasn't there, and my consciousness added her during the recollection)? Another weird thing is that in the dream, the rest of the family members, esp the male relatives, were not in the dream.

Ilalabas ko na lang dito sa blog yung napanaginipan ko. Need to release bago ko i-publish yung huling putok ng pokpok post. I shoud be better in 5... 4... 3...