The Emotional Diarrhea Saga: Unhappy Me

I tried to live my life independently happy from the guy who inspired me to resolution. A life of resolution that I started recently: I avoided the baths (expect the withdrawal symptoms to come in this week); I dropped my fubu (he was happy that I met my soulmate; expect withdrawal symptoms to attack this week, too); and I fixed my room to be conducive to an orderly slumber (hindi ako naglilinis ng kwarto. I'm such a slob). I'm trying to be as busy as possible to turn my back away from the past.

I tried to live as if detached emotionally from the one I'm trying to get to know, so I could have this desired stable and lasting relationship with him. Operative word being "desired". But I realized that my life, in the first place, is boring. There's nothing that actually makes me happy now. He is the one filling that gap that I should've personally satisfied in the first place. What happens now, since he's the one acting as the source of my happiness, I let my emotions take charge of my actions - based on what I feel when I think of him. The more he becomes un-present, the less my focus in my life.

I'm beginning to realize, I do not love myself in a way that I expect people to love me. I spoil my self with lots of sex, because I'm lonely and my friends are not available most of the time. I am hard on myself for the small and big stuff, because I thought the opportunity for redemption rarely comes by. I wanted more from life, yet I'm not doing anything to change my situation.

I was happy with my ex because I had a companion, a partner and a sex mate every time I wanted it. When I make a mistake, he's the one who tells me "it's gonna be fine". When I felt insatiable, he made me feel like I couldn't ask for more when we lived together. Do I really need someone to complete me? How the hell can I complete myself and move on with my life?

Taena, andami ko palang excess baggage.