I tried to live my life independently happy from the guy who inspired me to resolution. A life of resolution that I started recently: I avoided the baths (expect the withdrawal symptoms to come in this week); I dropped my fubu (he was happy that I met my soulmate; expect withdrawal symptoms to attack this week, too); and I fixed my room to be conducive to an orderly slumber (hindi ako naglilinis ng kwarto. I'm such a slob). I'm trying to be as busy as possible to turn my back away from the past.
I tried to live as if detached emotionally from the one I'm trying to get to know, so I could have this desired stable and lasting relationship with him. Operative word being "desired". But I realized that my life, in the first place, is boring. There's nothing that actually makes me happy now. He is the one filling that gap that I should've personally satisfied in the first place. What happens now, since he's the one acting as the source of my happiness, I let my emotions take charge of my actions - based on what I feel when I think of him. The more he becomes un-present, the less my focus in my life.
I'm beginning to realize, I do not love myself in a way that I expect people to love me. I spoil my self with lots of sex, because I'm lonely and my friends are not available most of the time. I am hard on myself for the small and big stuff, because I thought the opportunity for redemption rarely comes by. I wanted more from life, yet I'm not doing anything to change my situation.
I was happy with my ex because I had a companion, a partner and a sex mate every time I wanted it. When I make a mistake, he's the one who tells me "it's gonna be fine". When I felt insatiable, he made me feel like I couldn't ask for more when we lived together. Do I really need someone to complete me? How the hell can I complete myself and move on with my life?
Taena, andami ko palang excess baggage.
What you're feeling might be contributed by the fact that you need someone in order to make you happy.
ReplyDeleteSTOP or for a better term Relax a little.
In order to be completely and be truly happy, you have to be happy for yourself first.
Because at the end of the day, your happiness can't be provided by someone if you yourself isn't happy.
Friend, lahat tayo may excess baggage. Your entry struck a chord because if I'd really think about my state right now, I too am facing a lot of dilemmas. But I try to subdue those feelings knowing I'm not alone in the rut.
ReplyDeleteEverything is just a state of mind. When the dust settles, and somehow, someone catches your attention again, you would forget.
And in many many times you would think about the past, you'd wish the feelings have never grown at all.
uwi ka na dito. parang nawiwindangers ka na dyan tita. :)
ReplyDeletehere's the sea where we realize we're on the same sinking boat. I do not fear drowning in water but with myself, in my worry that I might be drowning alone.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that whenever we try to fix ourselves and do the right thing, we always eventually feel that something will soon be missing.
KUYA! pwede ba kitang i-hug?
ReplyDeletewag ka na po malungkot
hmmm,magulo nga,basta hanapin mo muna san ka magiging masaya.try to do things one by one.tapos,ano pa ba,matulog nalang pag inaantok LOL!wala ng masabi haha!
ReplyDeleteitapon at sunugin nga yang excess baggage na yan ahaha...di bagay sayo ang emotera. ;P
ReplyDeleteRead mgg's post- the man who didn't believe in love, it's enlightening somehow.
ReplyDeleteYou did lay your cards on the table. Now those resolutions- are you doing them for him?
bat wala ung comment ko? ahaha...
ReplyDeletewag na mag emo..di bagay sa yo..:P
parang emo month ka ngayon.
ReplyDelete*hugs, with pat on the back*
ReplyDeleteI feel you Carrie.
My personal opinion, being happy by yourself is not the way to go. It reminds me of a rich little boy who is playing by himself in a big white sandbox, envious to those who are playing in the mud.
Kiks, yun sana ang tema ng blog ko this month, pero napagtanto kong wag ituloy.
ReplyDeleteRowell, hug din kita ng mahigpit. Di kita pakakawalan. Chos. Dito ka na lang sa piling ko. Hahaha. Double char. Kiss mo ko. Triple char! Pagbigyan na, naglulukaret lang.
I wanna be happy with myself, not by myself. Ayoko naman ng "All By Myself" na drama special. I want to be happy regardless where I'm playing, as long as I'm not wounding myself or hurting other people.