You Raised Me Up

Sa lahat ng lugar na pwede tayong magkitang muli, sa chatroom pa. Akala ko'y mananatili ka na sa kabilang dako, gaya ng una mong sinabi bago tayo magkalayo. Nagbalik ka pala dito. Mas luntian talaga ang damuhan dito.

At yumabong lalo ang sex life mo kamo. Maraming kalalakihan ang gusto kang matikman. Pero di ka na nag-iinvest ng puso sa tao, maliban na lang kung liligawan mo. Tama yan, wag ka nang maging madrama sa buhay gaya ng dati. Maging matatag ka, pero wag maging manhid sa pag-ibig.

Totoo bang ako ang una mong hinanap nung napadpad ka dito? Sana nga. Nakaka-flatter eh. Pero nakakailang marinig ang mga kwentong xerex mo. Lalupa't nang ipakita mo ang mga larawan ng mga nakalaro mo.

Ngayong wala na kayo ng kaibigan ko, at nasa malayo na rin sya, gusto mo akong asawahin. Masyadong mabilis. Sumang-ayon ka din sa mungkahing magkakilanlan muna tayo nang husto. Madami rin ang nangyari sa akin dito, at may mga dapat pa kong malaman tungkol sa yo.

Sabi mo naman, ayos lang at mag-enjoy muna tayo sa presensya ng isa't isa. Maglaro tayo paminsan-minsan, ituloy ang dating nakagawian, habang kinikilala ang isa't isa. At kapag dumating na ang tamang oras para magseryoso, dun tayo magsimulang um-oo.

Masyado ba akong nag-iisip o talagang maraming mali sa nangyayari?

Little Baby Steps

Chemistry Lessons

I’ve always learned my lessons the hard way. When I was very young, I didn’t practice good sleeping habits. Now, I always sleep late and eye circles are puffy and dark, which makes me look old and ghastly. I didn’t control myself from bare-handedly pricking my pimples during my adolescent years. Now, my face is a haven of deep scars and blemishes. I wasn’t aggressive in my career goals, that now I’m suffering being a subordinate despite having substantial experience in my field to lead even a small project.

Had I lived a clean life, I wouldn’t be worrying about my sexual health now. I’ve been rammed raw three times by chem guy, and five times in the commercial sauna, by different people. All casual. I didn’t get addicted to the substance, but I knew I was going there. I was looking for it whenever there’s a chance, though circumstances didn’t allow me access to the candy (either I didn’t have the money, or it’s simply too expensive, or chem guy is not available most of the time, or that I simply have to face the fact that I can’t risk getting caught by authorities).

But the shoulda, woulda, and coulda’s that bewildered my mind were not helping. And they’re not gonna bring me back to the original state of things. But I realized that the beauty of life is in the process of moving forward, the movement of the cycle, and the ability to stand up again. I’m in limbo right now, thinking what would be if get infected or worse, catch HIV.

The fact that I’m still not out to my family doesn’t make the situation worse. I know I have done my part being a son to my mother and a brother to my siblings. I don’t consider myself a responsible person; I’m just the type who supports them when they need help. It’s going to give my mother the shock of her life if she learns that her son (who she thought couldn’t play with fire) was carrying a deadly disease. But what concerns me more is what I would do if I get positive and how I would face life from then on. Before I cross that bridge, I need to prepare myself for the crossing.

My last fuck was Sunday, Nov 15. I have resolved that for the next six months, I’ll abstain from any form of sexual intercourse. I’ll have myself tested on the third and last month of that period. If I come clean, I’d become skeptic and have another test after a month (an extended abstinence to make sure). If the results turn positive, I’d have another test to confirm. Whatever happens, a new chapter’s going to open. It’s up to my self how I’m gonna start it. I want to begin that chapter with a positive and gay outlook.