I was watching Friends season 8 episode 1, and it made me scared about life. In the episode, Phoebe and Monica found out about Rachel’s pregnancy. Rachel dreaded the thought of the consequences of having a child, so her girl friends suggested to take a second test to confirm. After verifying the results, Phoebe lied that it was negative. Rachel reacted rather remorseful and teary-eyed, sad for something she never had. Phoebe revealed it was really positive, that it was “not negative but positive”, which pleasantly surprised everyone. The girl friends hugged to recognize Rachel’s acceptance of the child and the embracement of her state.
I got scared because I’m going to take an HIV test today. If in the past, I was 75% confident that I could come out clean from a test, this time I have thoughts of not taking it due to the fact that I don’t want to know. I am not ready to face the truth. While speculations are bugging me, and the past hunts me like a loan shark, denial and ignorance are traitors I don’t want to be best friends with.
I make the sign of the cross as I go through this day with an anxious thought of what might come.
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