Reminder

I missed twelve calls during my workout. One was from my mom, and the rest from an unknown number.

When I called mom, she said the family's fine, but they didn't call me several times. Then she said F was asking for my number, and he's probably trying to contact me.

I read F's message before I called my mother. The text said he'll be a consultant in a big company. I was glad to receive that message.

F is an ex, who after our breakup, shut me out of his life and later on added me in again as a friend, only to be unfriended again in the end. But you can't blame him.

I was the one to blame for the incident.

I called F to say hi.

Me: "Nabasa ko yung text mo. Congratulations on your new job."

F: "Natanggap akong consultant. Ito kasi yung dream job mo para sa akin, kaya nung nakuha ko ito, ikaw unang sumagi sa utak ko."

Me: "I know. And regards to G (his bf of several months)".

F: "Okay. Kinakabahan ako kung kakayanin ko yung trabaho. Hindi kasi ito on-the-job training. Sasabak ako agad sa trabaho..."

Me: "Kaya mo yan. Bilib naman ako sa yo eh."

F: "Pero sabi nila, di naman mataas ang expectations nila sa akin, basta alam nila na may kakayahan akong gampanan yung trabaho."

Me: "That's good."

And we talked for a bit more, before I bid him goodbye.

It got me confused, wondering. When I got home, I called him again.

F: "Bakit po?"

Me: "Mag-uubos lang ng load. Mag-expire na kasi eh."

F: "Ah. Sa tingin mo, mahirap yung consulting? Wala akong experience sa ganyan eh."

Me: "I'm sure ite-train ka naman ng kumpanya."

F: "Yun naman ang sabi nila. Tutulungan naman nila ako sa ginagawa ko eh."

Me: "Bakit mo ako in-unfriend?"

F: "Well..."

Me: "Akala ko kasi we're in good terms. Tapos, one day wala na ko sa list mo."

F: "I had to remove you. Ayoko makita ka. Naalala ko kasi yung mga stupid decisions na ginawa ko noon. I'm in a difficult situation right now. Siguro, I'd want to focus on this new chapter in my career."

Me: (after a momentary silence) "Gaano na kayo katagal?"

F: "Mga six months na."

Me: "Bakit wala ka sa puder nya?"

F: "Weekday ngayon. Gusto nga ng mother nya na dun ako ako palagi eh."

A loud beep came in, signaling my balance is low and the conversation may get cut.

Me: "I need to hang up. Mauubos na load ko. Thanks for taking my call."

F: "Ok. Bye-bye."

I couldn't find a single song in my ipod to go with my solace. I only played whatever sad song was available for listening. I let out some sadness and tears before I fell asleep.

A Depressing Result

http://depression.about.com/cs/diagnosis/l/bldepscreenquiz.htm


Q: Do you feel sad or irritable? Yes


Q: Have you lost interest in activities once enjoyed? Yes


Q: Have you experienced changes in weight or appetite? No


Q: Have you experienced changes in sleeping pattern? Yes


Q: Do you have feelings of guilt? Yes


Q: Are you unable to concentrate, remember things, or make decisions? Yes


Q: Have you experienced fatigue or loss of energy? No


Q: Have you experienced restlessness or decreased activity noticed by others? No


Q: Do you feel hopeless, or worthless? Yes


Q: Have you had thoughts of suicide or death? No


You answered 6 items out of 10 "Yes". According to The National Mental Health Association, 5 or more yes answers indicates that you may be suffering from clinical depression. This test cannot substitute for a visit to a mental health professional. It is meant only to give you an idea where to start a dialogue with your healthcare provider.

Tonight (Above and Beyond Remix) by Dirty Vegas

Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight my friend,

Ive got this feeling that I hope will never end
Tonight, tonight, tonight I see
these precious moments that mean everything to me
I wanna be with you
Right here with you
I wanna be with you
Right here with you
(I wanna be, tonight)
(I wanna be, tonight)
(I wanna be, tonight)


 
Emotera mode ako while writing this entry. I spent my Holy weekend in a boot camp. Good Friday, drills. Saturday, more drills. Easter Sunday - completing more drills and the finale.


No, it wasn't a booty camp. No, the drills are actual exercises and not the dirty kind. Come to think of it, I miss getting dirty. Hindi ako malinis ha. Alam nyo yung feeling na naputikan ka, pinagpawisan nang husto, nalangisan yung damit at balat, naalikabukan sa ash storm, etc, pero di ka naligo. Para lang akong nakulob. In other words, wala akong ginawang cleansing ritual. Kaya hindi ako malinis o nagmamalinis. As is lang. Neutral. Kebs.

Kasama kasi sa drills itong kantang ito. Nakaka-indak. Kahit wala ako sa club, feeling ko nasa Bed ako. Or O-Bar. Ang saya ng feeling - light and carefree.

Eto ka, nung pinakinggan ko ang lyrics, nag-emote naman ako. Nabuhay bigla ang longing ko for a partner. Kasalanan mo to, Galen. Nung sinabi mong ang sarap siguro ng feeling na ka-hug o ka-fuck mo mahal mo sa buhay, saka ko naman na-miss yung thought na sana may partner ako. Echos lang sa "kasalanan mo, Galen" part.

Nag-teary eyed ako with sabaw ang utak moment. Nakakainis. Pero ganun ako.

Gusto ko lang i-share yung song. Malamang narinig nyo na ito sa dancefloor.

Saka, wag kayong magiging sabaw tulad ko.

Di makulay ang buhay sa sinabawang utak.