As I think about the question of whether I'd choose someone who likes me over someone whom I like, or the other way around, I just wished I'd find someone with mutual sentiments.
Yung previous relationship ko, my ex loved me more than I loved him. I ended up taking him for granted. I ended up cheating behind his back. I ended up manipulating him.
This time, I think I like the person more than he likes me. Ikanga ni Mugen, ang unang magsabi ng "I love you" ang talo. He once teased nga "Mahal mo na ko, no. Sabihin mo nang I love you." To which I replied, "I'd like to. Actually, I love you na". Ampotah, Marymount School for girls lang.
"... but I wanna say it in the right time... And isn't it much sweeter if the other person replies back with the same?" Not that I was expecting it; just stating an ideal. OK. I was kinda expecting it.
Oo na, graduate na ko ng Assumption batch 1970, at heto pa rin ako ngayon. Set aside nyo muna ang judgment. Marinate for 24 hours, ok?
Looking back at the time I said that, I think I laid out everything on the table.
Last weekend, I caught "Despicable Me". I went to see it alone, kasi gusto kong malibang. Gusto kong lumihis ang isip ko sa taong kinahuhumalingan ko. In the end, hindi ako nalibang. Nabowang lang ako sa nangyari sa akin. Cry me a river ang soundtrack ng pelikula. Crayola oil pastel talaga ang tema ng araw. It was because of this little girl named Agnes in the movie. She was the girl with the doll unicorn.
This is how I loved Agnes, and how she made my eyes well up. Despite the despicable appearance of Gru, Agnes the little girl embraced him and never let go (she was hanging on to his leg during the time Gru picked them up to be brought home). She was excited, more than the other two girls Margo and Edith. In another scene, when the doll unicorn was disintegrated, she didn't throw any tantrums. She held her breath and passed out (or so it seemed) until Gru gave in. When her doll was replaced by a sloppy improvisation of her favorite toy, she did not complain. She even said it was beautiful.
She was the perfect example of pure, innocent love. She was the innocence that vanished in my heart long, long time ago.
Agnes broke my heart into a million pieces. I loved her more than the cute yellow minions of Gru in that movie. Agnes' character looked through the eyes of love. And I wished I had that innocence, the vision through love, and the heart of the pure. No matter how much she loved and lost something, she never lost the love she had in her heart.
My soul, my heart, my self are very wounded and jaded. My emotions are much attached to the material, to what is seen and felt, and not to what is essential. I have obsessed myself on someone I barely know, someone I almost opened my heart and soul to, someone who I feel and suspect doesn't care much about me.
Syet, sumerseryoso ang tono ko. Nag-eemmodium na naman ako.
Anywhoo, my friends and my readers have supported me and have given me advice to get over this emotera and pathetic state. Ang hirap, but I'm trying.
Ano na nga ulit ang point ko? Ah! Short term amnesia, kumusta ka?
If I'd choose someone who likes me over someone whom I like, or the other way around, I wished I'd find someone with mutual (and equal) sentiments. But that's impossible. Either one of us would have a greater passion for the other. One would have a greater obsession over the other.
Yun lang. May mai-blog lang. Choz.
Paano ba maging ikaw, baklang cockroach? Yung tipong aabot ng 500th monthsary ang episode ng buhay?
Pero admit it, maganda ang drama ng "I love you enough for both of us" na line.
ReplyDeleteala eh, di pa pla tapos ang drama ahaha...hayysst! kahit na inception, snow white or avatar ang panoorin mo, i'm sure ur gna find ways to make it parallel sa iyong love story ahah :P
ReplyDeletewak na emote/iyak, papanget ka cge..lagi smile :)
saying "i love you" is not all about winning or losing over someone, it's not even about ego-risks. it's bravery, of being honest of what you really feel regardless of how the other guy's gonna react.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I heart Agnes as well. :)
Drew, na-exhaust ko na yata mga dramatic lines sa utak ko. Yes, maganda ang dramang iyan.
ReplyDeleteSoltero, hard-core porn lang cguro ang di ko makukunan ng parallelism sa sitwasyon ko.
Alterjohn, yes, I've been told. How ironic that after such confession of feelings, one becomes anxious and scared of what's going to happen next...
Carrie darling,
ReplyDeleteIs this what this entry really is all about?
"I have obsessed myself on someone I barely know, someone I almost opened my heart and soul to, someone who doesn't care much about me."
Kane
"Who knows," your heart speaks. "Maybe you haven't missed the last train yet."
ReplyDelete=)
Kane, I guess I was harsh, unfair even, in writing it as "doesn't care much about me". He barely knows me, too. Na-guilty naman ako sa nalathala. I revised it na lang.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, Kane dear, yes, that's the heart of the entry.
Edit darling, edit. Especially when what you write is emotional and dramatic.
ReplyDeleteLearn to sieve through your thoughts to identify what exactly is it you want to say.
Now let us dissect:
Are you sad because he doesn't return your feelings, or are you sad because you really want a commited relationship?
Are you sad because you feel one person will always love the other more? Or, are you sad because you remember all your failed relationships in the past?
What is the root? Yes, you can be sad because of all the reasons above, but what saddens you the most?
Hug.
Kane
Mugen, thanks, friend. I hope so.
ReplyDeleteYes, Kane. I edited it several times, but that one was an oversight. Para naman akong kukurutin sa singit. Hehe
Kane, I'm sad because he reciprocates when I make a move. He didn't verbally say he liked me, but I hope the signs point to that direction. I'm also sad that I wanted a serious relationship, but I feel it's too soon to have one.
I'm sad that there's disparity of feelings, for it begets a battle for control and manipulation. And yes, I am sad about my failed relationships in the past.
What makes me the saddest now is that he doesn't return the feelings as I have expected. This, I admit, is selfish.
That's why I mentioned Agnes. Even if Gru at first refused to read bedtime stories before they sleep, she never ran out of love for her foster family.
What's the diagnosis, Kane dear?
I give you credit for sharing your thoughts although there really is shambles in your emotions right now.
ReplyDeleteI hope you would be better by the following days. Confusion is confusion but you can't be confused all the time.
Carrie,
ReplyDeleteHahaha. I was just teasing you ha, earlier.
It is our desire that the people we like, will like us too. Sometimes it doesn't work that way. Or, most of the time.
You have few options left: hope he will like you one day, or cut your losses and retreat. Grieve, before you join the hunt again.
It's not like it's the first time we've been hurt. We live, we learn.
You must make the decision and commit to it. So, what will it be Carrie?
Kane
luckily i found someone that i love, and loves me back.
ReplyDeleteawwww.
don't put pressure sa relationship niyo tita. let it flourish on its own. :)
Truth is, rarely do we find someone whose affection fully reciprocate ours. In all relationships, it almost often starts with one liking the other more. This creates the imbalance that leads to action. Action that, fate and circumstances willing, will allow the other party's emotions to grow into congruency with ours.
ReplyDeleteBut when it doesn't, I would rather choose whom I love, rather than pursue another when my affections defeat his motives. It is painful to realize that the one you pine for cannot reciprocate, and I would never want that dilemma to befall someone who cares for me.
Let it brew for while. It is still early. Maybe fate hasn't weaved her tale for you yet, or if this is your narrative, the plot is still awaiting the proper moment to progress.
Patience has its rewards.
Carrie.
ReplyDeleteI think this is simply catharsis for you. You simply had to let it out.
With or without the hopes of him reading this. Baka more pa on the with.
You know yourself more than anyone. Even Marjane of Persepolis failed despite all the lessons she has learned. The difference, she put into comic strips; you, in blog posts.
ei carrie, you should listen to that kane guy. i think it's the most sensible thing to do para matapos na ang pag-eemote.
ReplyDeletepero teh, malay natin let's just hope for the best
I rarely edit (for spelling and grammar, oo) kasi nawawala ang emotional "rawness" ng entry. You can do an addendum, but you can never "edit" your feelings. I would have preferred reading your unedited entry. ^_^
ReplyDeleteIn times like this that I recommend ice cream and chocos. ^_^
lakas trip?hekhekhek . . . gusto ko tuloy sang panuorin
ReplyDelete