Adversus Exitus Optio Non Est

I was meant to fail

On that particular test.

I guess something had to shake things up.

So I can wake up from my slumber of smugness,

So I can get up from my bed of rusted roses,

So I can start getting out of my comfort zone,

So I can break out from the box

That has been containing me

Constricting me

Configuring me

For years.

Slowly But Surely Temple

I'd like to say thank you to the bloggers who follow me.

Kahit lukaret magkwento ang lola nyo. I found the voice you gave to me.

Thank you for reading. It's like you're listening. To the song here in my heart.

Makita ko lang na mag-grow yung readership ko, kahit 1 per month, keribelles. Katuwa, daba?

Samu't Saring Isang Kusing na Musing

Ang slow patrol ng internet dito sa office ngayon. (Reklamadorang kermit si Carrie. Nakikigamit na nga lang ng LAN, umaabuso pa. Tseh.)

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Tawag kasi ng mga alum sa isa't isa, gawa nang kami'y dating nag-aral sa panggabing eskwela, mga kapatid sa dilim. Iba na ang turing ko sa katagang ito pag nababasa o naririnig ko. Shoutout sa mga nagbabathhouse jan, mga kafatid ko sa dilim.

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Bakit takot ako sa pagbabago? Kasi, gawa na ang kama ng aking comfort zone. Takot akong gibain ito at baka wala akong matulugan. Figuratively and LITERALLY.

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Lumindol na naman daw sa Pinas. Katakot. Magyayabang na naman ang mga La-lers dito na hindi binabagyo at nililidol ang bansa nilang la-la-la. Kung meron mang sakuna dito, yun eh fashion sense at mukha nila! Haha.

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Nagkaroon na ko ng bias sa mga Indyano Gibbs. Ang sasama ng ugali. Kanina lang, nakakawalang-ganang magsepilyo kasi may booger wonderland sa gilid ng garing na lababo. Pihadong Pana (for indyan pana, kakana-kana) ang nag-iwan nun dun. Ang Pinoy, marunong namang magligpit ng kalat noh. Ang prejudiced ko, d b? Pero eto ka, wala ka nang ibang pagbibintangan kung ang ihing naiwan sa inidoro eh amoy curry. Ebidensya na yun ha!

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Wala akong madagdag na bathhouse entry ngayon. Hamo, gagawa ako ng eksenang ka-blog-blog. Charot.

And the Uringan Award Goes To...

Nagpamigay ka na ba ng door gift habang nag-uuringan awards? Ganitey: ang presenter, si totoy mola (TM), at pinasok nya ang tropeo sa pwerta prinsesa mey. At ang dating iskinita'y naging bulwagang pambalitaan ng ABS-CBN.

Syet, db? Mabuti sana kung si Jay Manalo yun eh.

Ang nyarapei!

Kaso, sa sobrang sarap, di ko naman namalayang hinuhukay na pala nya yung ibang kanal sa loob ng Suez, kaya nung malapit na syang labasan, ayun. Akala nga ng ibang patron sa batis eh may naghuhukay na poso negro sa labas. Nasa loob pala ang salarin. Haha. Ewwww.

Dali-daling naglinis ang lola mo sa kahihiyan. Wala namang nakakita sa amin, pero kawawa talaga yung susunod na gagamit nung kwarto, o yung maglilinis dun.

No choice talaga, ning, bangenge ang isa at yung isa'y walang tulak-kabingin sa kargada.

Salamat sa hose na nagsisilbing bidet sa toilet. Sinasaksak ko yun sa pekpek ko para luminis. Ewww na naman. And you'll never look at the bidet the same way again. Hahaha.

Nag-comeback ang lola mo sa madidilim na lakaran ng bahay-batis. Nabitin daw si TM, at gusto pang umararo. Basa pa naman ang lupa, kaya dapat kalaykayin, ikanga. And so the show went on. Echos.

This time, Pacquiao ang lolo mo. Pound per pound, panalo! Pounding sya nang pounding like there's no tomorrow never comes!

Nang nagtapis na sya ng tuwalya, parang gusto kong magsindi ng yosi. Taroosh.

May isa pa kong nakamaryang-palad, este nakadaupang palad. At panalo ang huli. Isang Piolo-look-alike.

Weh! Hayaan nyo na ko, libre naman ang mag-ilusyon. Pero may slight resemblance naman talaga in all fairness. Lalo na pag nasa madilim ka, can you really tell the difference? Hehe
 
Hear me out naman. Paalis na talaga ako nun kasi nakuha ko ang pinakamalaking award. Kaso, makasipat ka ba naman ng cute at nagpakita ng interes, di ka ba papatol? Eh kung di mo na maabutan pang muli sa lugar na yun? Eh di remorseful ka pa.
 
Saka di pa naman maga eh. Choz!!!

At the end of the night, kahit palpak yung opening act, naka-redeem naman ako ng major prizes. Slut of the night at power bottom achievement award.

Dun sa mga down-hearted sa buhay nila, life bounces back. What goes around, comes back around. What was once up, goes up again. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Just like mine. Hehe.

@}---- @}---- @}----

Pagpapasalamat: kay London_boy at Looking_for_Vince sa pag-add sa akin sa blog list nila. I should do more blogger EB's para lumawak ang readership kez. Echoos lang.

Dream. Believe. Survive.

A friend's FB status: You may have noticed by now that there is [lie] in "believe".

Gusto ko sanang i-comment: But, etymologically speaking, "believe" is from a proto-indo-european base *leubh- "to like, desire" (or love). The spelling of the word has evolved in such a way that there's a "lie" inside the word.

Let's not look at the "lie", but the "lieve" which is "love".

Saka, it doesn't have a root word, because it's not a compound term.

Ang seryoso, baka deadmahin lang. Or worse, burahin.

Tattooed on my mind

Recently, I caught up with a friend of mine who's in a situationship with his long lost friend. He thought they would get back together, but certain events changed everything that it almost frustrated him. It was remarkable how he never changed his treatment of the person, even after the other guy stopped attaching terms of endearment and started calling him on first name basis once again. I told him, that if I were in his shoes, I'd stop being sweet and romantic, once the person decides to stay on the other side of the world for practical reasons rather than choosing to stay with me. My good friend said that it's not reason enough for him to stop loving a person. He still cherishes their moments and will always keep in memory the good times they had. It was admirable, and it tatooed on my mind. He's the type of guy I'd want to have a relationship with - personality-wise - but too bad, I'm not attracted that much to him.

He had an idea of getting a tattoo, as token of opening a new chapter in his life. It wasn't crazy enough, for the one he wanted was not permanent. He just wanted something that's gonna be inked on his arm for a couple days, try out another design, and make it a weekly thing. He enticed me to get one, and consent I did. I accompanied him to the shop where he chanced upon while waiting for me to arrive.

The shop had special offers on airbrushed tattoos, although they don't have henna. We browsed the different patterns in their catalog, and chose one that we really liked. It was the only one that appealed to both of us, so I decided to pick it as well, but asked to put it on a different bicep.

Painting our arms was an enjoyable experience. The sensation of the cold spray on your sensitive skin, the delicate touch of the sexy designer and how his image seduces your imagination to lust over him, and the excitement of how it'd look like on us once it's done. The result -

We were so happy with what we've got, that he suggested we attack the bathhouse while the tattoo is fresh. Yes, we may get mistaken for being lovers, but the initial thought was fun. He made another suggestion to head to the club as well, showing our inks. But that's gonna be too corny, I thought. Besides, it was not as permanent and as cool as the real tattoo. What hapenned afterwards was that we just had chat over coffee. I had to go to the gym as well. This has stopped me from deciding to go clubbing and frolicking in the baths. Sayang ang workout gains kung mag magpupuyat ako, noh .

An interest in getting a permanent tattoo came up. I'd welcome the above same pattern inked and etched on my arm. This time, I would want to use rainbow colors. Violent from top to red on the bottom. But I'm still pondering on the idea.

Now, I guess, it wouldn't be a weekly ritual for me and my friend to get an airbrushed tattoo. The pattern faded after three days. Hindi sulit . But it was worth doing once in a while. As for the permanent one, I'm still afraid of the needle. Mababa ang tolerance ko sa pain. Believe me, kahit naturukan na ko ng mas malalaki at matatabang panusok, iba pa rin yung pinong sakit na dulot ng pagpipintado.

Echoosan

over SMS:

him: Nasad ako. Ang itim ko na daw. Hay, dumadami na problema ko.

me: gagee. Paapekto ka naman. Di naman masagwa ang alma moreno ha. Di ka naman madumi tignan. Wag ka paapekto sa komento.

me again: One problem at a time. Unahin ang taba. Pag na-solve yan, di mo na kelangang alalahanin yung moreno. Uso naman ang macho o sexy na moreno

him: Ang taba ko na nga, maitim pa ko. Sobrang ewww

me: alalahanin mo edge mo. Gwapo ka, maganda ngipin, makinis ang balat, matangkad, mabait, at boyfriend material.

him: Feeling ko, sa nognog ako babagsak. Jusme, wag naman.

me: u r juz being modest. I know u r gud looking

him: errr, di kaya.

him: Uy, tinatanong mo ko kung top o btm ako. Ikaw?

me: Micheal BotoMesa ako. Yun nah.

him: Kalokah. Loud and proud. Taray.

me: gaya ng sagot mo, wag na lang natin pag-usapan.
(nung huling usapan natin, sinabi nyang versa sya at wag na lang naming pag-usapan ang detalye)

him: Pero pedeng gawin. Joke. Lol

me: Ay, uu. Tara. ECHOZ!

him: Ay naku. Wala ako place at baka di mo ko makalimutan kung mangyari yun. LOL. Echos lang din.

me: Motmot tau.

him: Di ako pumapasok sa ganyan. Maarte talaga ako. Sensya na.

me: Ok lang. *Change topic, Blah blah, etcetera eklavarva*

him: Tnx 4 being nice.

Konting backstory: nakita ko na sya sa bathhouse pero walang nangyari sa amin. Masyado ako na-intimidate sa kanya kasi gwapo talaga sya, at feel ko iisnabin lang nya ang ganda ko. It just so happened we have a common friend who went on that same occasion. Through this friend of ours, I was able to add him in FB.

It was until we saw each other on the same trip that I had the chance to get his number. It was that time we had personal interaction or conversation outside the online world. So we started texting, and we got close. Maybe too close to make echoosan over text.

I tried being nice, but he told me not to. He said he might fall for me. So I went for the campy friend na super bakla para mapa-smile sya during times na nahihirapan ang loob nya. Of course, the hard times are the opportunities for other people to make salo and pick him up. But I just became myself and not a person who would take advantage of the moment.

Until that time. He wasn't vulnerable, and there was no reason to prey on this guy. To me, it was a normal conversation between friends. But when you feel that he is already laying the bait, would you resist? So we ended up flirting. But good thing, he made kabig by saying he doesn't go to hotels. I guess, we have an indication of interest, but not keen enough to cross the line.

Mas mainam na marahil yun: ang maging matalik na magkaibigan at hindi katalik na pagkakakilanlan lang.

Nothing to Post? Post nothing!

Lately, di ako nagpo-post ng status sa facebook. Puro post lang ng mga kinain, o kalokohan o madalas magkomento sa estado ng iba. Ang hirap kasing maglathala ng kung ano ginagawa mo – pakialam naman ng iba. Kung may halong poot o hinanakit naman yung status, pag-isipan ka pang nega star. Kung echos naman ang ipo-post, babarahin ka pa ng mga kaibigan mo. Pero kung happy at positibo naman yung ise-share mo, may fb friends kang mag-aagree at magse-second motion sa pinost mo.

Naalala ko tuloy yung isang aphorism: “When you have nothing to say, say nothing. A weak defense strengthens your opponent, and silence is less injurious than a bad reply.” Enough said.

Hanga naman ako sa mga friends na ang simple ng post, pero andaming reply. Di ko sya masisisi; marami syang kaibigan. Mapa-cheesy, mapa-emo, kahit ano, patok sa takilya ang mga salita. Inggit ba ako? Hindi ah! No! Walang violent reaction from me! Char.

Minsan naman akong nag-post na kasama ko nanay ko after the mass. Akalain ko bang may magkomentong, “ang agang rampa naman nyan!” Wala naman akong ginawang masama sa taong yun. Bagkus, pinuri-puri ko pa sya noon sa angking sex appeal nya bilang tao. Bakit ganun na lang ang komento nya? Simula nun, itinigil ko na ang pag-comment sa mga statuses nya. Ni-hide ko pa nga sya sa newsfeeds ko eh.

Ay, wag ka, andami kong tinago sa mga FB newsfeeds ko. Mga apps, mga taong paulit-ulit sa estado, mga walang karele-rele na lathala, mga nakakairitang eklavarva. Minsan, tinatabunan nya yung mga importanteng bagay na dapat kong malaman sa mga kaibigan ko eh!

Pero ang matindi siguro ay yung in-unfriend ka minsan, at in-add ka uli, para ma-unfriend na naman sa bandang huli.

Kasalanan ko kasi. Si ex yun. Syempre, nung break-up namin, binlock nya ko sa lahat ng online networks, FB and Friendster in particular. Understandable. After several months, I sms him, telling him I still think about him and he’s still the one person who holds my heart. Malamang nabasa nya yun, kasi one day, in-add nya ko ulit sa FB. So, I thought we’re okay. I forgot that I sent him that message and never made follow-throughs. Although, I distinctly remember liking every FB statuses he posted and commenting on them. Annoying much? So, one day, I noticed his statuses are no longer on my home page. When I checked his profile, I saw the “add friend” button. This made me furious at first, but then I realized my wrongdoing. I had my emo moments when I texted him. Seriously, I still had feelings. But the actions were so unsatisfactory. I don’t blame him for unfriending me once again, this time around.

Mainam na yun, kesa sa mudslinging at vandalism sa wall ng iba, di ba?

A Rectal Dysfunction

Nakatuwad akong nakasandal sa gilid ng kama, shorts nasa sahig, habang pinapasok nya ang kanyang daliri sa kaloob-looban ng aking tumbong. Namuo ang pawis sa noo ko. Hindi ako makaangal. Hindi ako makaungol. Di naman ako umuungol pag dinadaliri. Di ako kumportable sa ganun. Pero kelangan ko syang hayaan.

May masundot kaya syang di kanais-nais sa loob? Malaman kaya nyang natira na ko ng hapong yun bago nya ko nadaliri ? Mabasa kaya nya ang utak ko at sumakay sa pantasya ko na mag-sex kami sa klinika nya ? Charing na yung huling tanong.

Linggo. Umaga ng araw na yun, nagparamdam si T na 1 pm syang lalabas ng trabaho at kung pwede sya sa apartment ko ng alas-dos. Wala ang mga housemates sa hapon, kaya pwedeng dumiskarte. So - ang lola mo - linis, ayos, at pabango ng kwarto. Laba, plantsa, at iba pa. Tinapos ko na ang lahat ng gawaing-bahay sa araw na yun.

Ang di ko na-manage eh maglinis sa pagitan ng dalawang appointment. 4 pm ang next engagement ko dahil naka-oo na ko five days before. Samakatuwid, pinilit kong isingit ang kakatihan sa araw na alam kong may mas importanteng bagay na dapat puntahan. Nagniig pa rin kami ni T, pero minadali ko sya. Di naman sya nadismaya. Naunawaan naman nya yung paliwanag ko.

Matapos magparaos, walang ligo, walang banlaw, swipe lang ng tissue at hugas-kamay, sabay bihis, ayun fly na sa susunod na lakad.

Hinatid ko si T sa sakayan, at dumiretso sa klinika para alamin ang resulta ng aking check up.

Overall executive health check up is ok. I opted to take additional tests for testosterone level and cancer indicators. Except for slightly higher-than-normal cholesterol (I eat fast food most of the time; I love KFC chicken), and a small finding, I am fine for the most part. For the other cancer indicators, I was clear. Testosterone level, ok. May konting churva lang sa prostate. So the doctor had to probe my rectum for any unusual lumps.

He asked me to go to the side of the bed, to drop my shorts, and to bend over. He put on latex gloves, got some KY and when he was ready, he poked my hole, slowly inserting his finger in. It was neither uncomfortable nor awkward. He was professional; I'm used to it. What if afterwards, the doctor finds his gloves stained? What if there’s a lump that could mean cancer? What if he gets turned on and puts on another latex thing on another body part? Charot.

He said it should be ok; no need to worry much on the prostate. (I'd probably get another prostate cancer indicator test next year to monitor.) Then I inquired about the testosterone. Doctor said to consult a neurologist to further examine my erectile behavior. I told him I couldn’t sustain erection during sex, so doctor said it could mean psychological or neurological.

I walked away from the clinic, devoid of any libido. Just glad that my health is still well.

Boses Kuliglig

Nahanap mo na ba boses mo sa mundong ito? Ang seryoso ng tanong. Pero, wag ka, baka mababawan ka o antukin sa mga susunod mong mababasa...

Kilala si McVie, Bernadette, Mr Hubs at si Kokoi sa pagpapatawa. Si Miggs na boses ng mga kapatid natin sa iba't ibang panig ng daigdig. Narinig ko na rin sina Dan and Rye na parang napakanatural ang dating. Si Tristan na icon ng online romance. Si Vince na naghahatid impormasyon tungkol sa pagiging bading - bokabularyo, bathhouse, style ng pag-cruise, etc. Si Gibbs Cadiz ng Kultura at Sining. Si TBR na magaling sumuri ng pelikula. Si Galen na di nauubusan ng samu't saring paksa na mailalahad sa kanyang tagabasa. Si Danton Remoto na tumatalakay sa politika.

Marami pang maaaring banggitin pero ilan lang yan sa mga boses ng rainbow bloggers or pink bloggers na alam ko. Pihado, madami pang mga personalidad ang di ko pa nababasa na talagang brilyante ng panahong ito.

Pero ano nga bang boses ang dapat kong i-project. Kung sinuman ang nagbabasa nito, eh kukurutin ako sa singit at sasabihing, maging totoo ka. Be yourself, kumbaga. Marahil boring ako magsulat ng wholesome na paksa, o boring lang talaga yung paksang inilalabas ko. Kaso, naisip ko na kung puro kalandian o kamalian ang ilalahad ko, wala nang magkakagusto sa akin. Ano na lang sasabihin ng taong makikilala ko dahil sa blog ko, na wala akong ibang ginawa kundi magbathhouse, magpatira sa kahit sinong lalake, patulan ang kung anumang gumagalaw, o papayag sa kung anong kundisyon, kaladkarin baga, makapag-sex lang. Totoo, pero turn off di ba?

Ayoko rin namang kinakaawaan ako.

Paprangkahin ko kayo, Nag-blog ako para mapansin. Lahat naman tayo naghahangad ng atensyon, di maikakaila. Pero sadyang karamihan eh may ibubuga naman sa pagsulat. At kung may makaka-appreciate ng katha mo, eh di mabuti. Kaya naman natutuwa ako pag may nagkokomento sa blogpost ko. Pero di naman yun ang punto ng gawaing ito. Pinakumbaba ako ng mga pangyayari para mamulat ako sa katotohanang di ako kagalingan. Napagtanto ko, na di ito karera o patimpalak o palakasan.

Naging intension ko rin ang mag-blog para umiwas sa bathhouse. Kaya pinili ko ang URL na ABlogADayKeepsTheBathHouseAway.blogspot.com. I’d blog about anything I could come up with and publish it, so that I’d spend my weekends in my room instead of at the baths. Apparently, it didn’t turn out as planned. For the most part, ironically, I’ve blogged about my experiences at the baths.

Ang blog na ito ay mundo ko kung saan may kalayaan akong magsulat ng kahit anong gusto ko at nais kong ipamahagi sa nais bumasa.

Wala pa rin akong maitataguyod na boses sa ngayon. Magiging pilit lang ang persona ng blog page na ito. Hayaan ko na sa ang mga batikan at batak na sa ganitong larangan ang isang bagay na magtatatak sa kanila sa mundo. Ako, isang ordinaryong bakla na kung may maisusulat, isusulat ko ayon sa kung ano ang nais kong mailathala.

Malamang yung ibang nakabasa nito eh lumipat na sa ibang blog site. Kung matapos mo itong entry na ito, pilit man o may tyaga, salamat, kaibigan.

Ako si Carrie. At ito ang blog ko.

Confessions of a Bathhouse-a-holic

I’m Carrie and I’m a bathhouse-a-holic. I go to bathhouse A on Friday evenings, B on Saturdays, and C on Sunday afternoons. I hook up with various kinds of people – the hung, the young, the hot, the not, and average Joes who turn me on in their own way. I look for sex to boost my ego – that I can prove to myself that I am desirable, somehow. I used to have these online accounts but since I’m not photogenic, I hardly get invitations to get hanky-panky. As my friend said, the bathhouse is the fastest way to get a hookup.

I’ve been doing this since 2004. When a chat-mate brought me to Blue Avenue. The same guy introduced me to G-club. But the first sauna experience was in F.

Sex has been my spouse for the last six years. I masturbate every night to put myself to sleep. I once used sex as a form of blackmail to a loving ex. I used sex to forget about my problems in life. I resort to sex as a mood enhancer.

And when I don’t get some action, I act like a bitch from hell.

I used poppers for sex. It knocks me down and relaxes my hole. I used xtc to enhance the sexual experience. I used ice and ketamine to raise up the bar of sexual pleasure and eroticism.

Barebacking was even acceptable to feel different, a break from the old latex feeling in my ass-lining.

When I have sex, not just the one with sucking and anal, but that which you intensely kiss and exchange saliva, your sweating bodies slide against each other, your excitement rises up when you feel each other’s hard on getting even harder, when you groan so loud when given a head, when you feel like your senses are heightening every second, and when you feel each other’s flesh in a level you’ve never reached before, the world feels so beautiful.

Afterwards, it becomes ugly again.

And you’d go for sex the next day, so you could fill the void inside.

I go to a bathhouse with a crowd that I know I could take over. If it’s full of beautiful guys, I avoid it. I go to the one where I know most of them would bow down at my presence. Etchos. I’m an insect (insecure fairy) waiting to be hit by the swat of life. And I know that, that’s why I go to a place where I could stand out. So I go to the bathhouse for the aged. Hahaha.

I don’t think love is therapy for this. But I don’t want Ms Aida accompanying me to my grave either. Aling Choleng, help me.

This Is How It Feels Like

It's been a while since we hooked up. I've been inviting you several times to meet up, but your crazy schedule wouldn't permit you to be available. Now, I sms that I'd give you the best service yet, just to have sex with me.

After sending that message, I lost respect for myself. Losing steam (or urge) like blood draining out from my body in an instant. Most likely, you'd politely decline (if not answer at all). But even if you make time to play, I know it's just demerits on my part as a buddy.

Missed Connections 2: We Made Out But Never Made It

Kelvin and Marc: we both had memorable moments in that place. On two separate occasions. K, you were the one with killer dimples and works in the same field as I am. I didn’t notice your cute face in the dark. I thought it was a silhouette of a daddy that I wasn’t in the mood to hook up with. Turns out, you had a great smile. Double points for the lips, coz they kiss so well. Too bad, I didn’t get your number when I had the chance. You were taking a shower, while another guy dragged in me in to the dark rooms, just so in the end I’d regret fooling with him. When I got out of it, you were already gone.

M, kissing, cuddling, hugging for more than two hours was really worthwhile. You had a lanky body with cut abs, and the way you unloaded to my torso was really sexy. I was so turned on by the watering of my wonderland. Your loud moan was thundering in the room. I got off ahead of you, lying on the bed, while you kneel in front me, jerking like a porn star. After that climax, we cleaned up. I thought we’d leave the place together, but I was wrong. I thought you wanted to pursue me, as you mentioned when you were kissing me, but when I came back from the showers to check on you in the locker room, you were not around. I searched the whole place, and then waited in the reading area, hoping you’d appear. But there was no sign of you.

Tell Me I’m Weird

1

When I feel confident about something, it’s inevitable that something, no matter how small or daunting, would happen to ruin the moment. The opposite happens when the conviction is negative, and things turn out to be not that bad. I don’t want to project a negative vibe every time, so I just lower my expectations to avoid greater frustration.

2

I have this facebook friend who’s a friend of a friend of mine. We’re neither acquaintances nor good friends, but only “tamang pagkakakilanlan lang”. I notice him liking almost every status of our main friend. But I feel a certain pinch in my weird being that he’s not doing it to me. LOL. Come to think of it, it’s become even weirder, now that I’ve laid it in the open.

We got personally introduced by our main friend. At that occasion, I blurted out that he was cute. Hirap talaga pag bihira kang makakita ng pogi sa kweba. I think tumatak yun sa kanya. Malamang tumatak yun sa kanya. But I meant it in a friendly way, knowing that I’m being flirty all the time and I know that I appreciate beauty whenever I see one. When we bump into each other naman at the gym, we talk like kamustahan nang kaunti, then do our own business. But we never got close. He has a partner, and I acknowledge that.

When I got to talk to our main friend, I told him na this guy was gwapo sa unang tingin. But I asked him not to spill this to the guy. Ang jerk ko naman kung babawiin ko yung compliment ko. After the second meeting kasi, I don’t crush him anymore, ‘ika nga. Still, I felt na medyo iwas sya sa akin, in subtle ways that can be misconstrued as pagka-ilang. I’d understand – I crushed him at first meeting, and he has a partner.

Now, he likes almost every status of our main friend. Jealous much? Kahit di naman dapat i-like. For example, “mabigat sa damdamin na iwan ang minamahal, etcetera eklavarva…” Comment ka na lang kesa like, kasi parang gusto mong ganun ang sentimyento ng kaibigan mo, parang ang bad. (Better yet, sana magdagdag na lang ng iba pang options ang FB, gaya ng "Agree", "Disagree", "Strongly agree", "Vehemently disagree", and "I'm sitting in the fence", para masaya).

Samantalang ako, pang-miss universe na ang post sa wall, eh walang may-I-solicit ng kahit ano from him. Lawak ng utak ko, d b? Hindi naman ito ang pinuputok ng butsi ko. I’m just magnifying a very, very miniscule and trivial and non-sensical thing that’s in my system. Whatever you call it, I’m glad I got it out.

Grindr

I’m not going gaga over Grindr. But it’s an interesting iPhone/iPod touch app recommended by a friend. I got engaged to chatting there for some time, but it slowly dawned on me the fact that it’s no different from mIRC or guys4men.com.

I looked it up on the internet, went to www.grindr.com, and got the basic info:

Grindr. It’s a guy thing.

Whether he’s Mr. Right or Mr. Tonight, your man is hanging out on Grindr,a killer location-based social networking tool for the iPhone or iPod Touch.


You can take it with you.

Unlike other dating or social network sites, Grindr is meant to be mobile. And it uses GPS technology to instantly zone in on men in your area. New in town? Tap into Grindr to check out who’s on the scene. On a trip? Use Grindr to find a local who’d like to show you around. Hanging at home? Make Grindr your go-to place and see who’s looking to meet up tonight. No matter where you find yourself, Grindr is the go-to app for socializing in seconds with the guys around you.

No strings attached.

Grindr is quick, convenient, and discreet. It utilizes your iPhone or iPod Touch’s built-in technology to map out which guys are closest to you—but how much info you share with them is entirely up to you. There is no need to enter an email address, register an account, or go through a complicated validation process. No electronic trail is left behind. Simply download the Grindr app to view who’s around and start chatting with a local dude. Trade your stats, show off a photo, instant message any guy you like. Share your location on a map and make plans to meet up right away. Or just browse the local scene. Grindr keeps things uncomplicated.

Size matters.
Hundreds of gay, bi, and curious men in your area are chilling out on Grindr. It’s easy to find a nearby guy in no time. Whether you’re in the mood for some casual IM chat, a hot hook-up, or a buddy to grab a drink with, Grindr makes it happen. Guys into other guys are just a quick download away. And with Grindr they’re also right around the corner—just waiting for you to show up.

I think it’s way cooler than other dating sites, but not everyone has an iPhone. Not everywhere there’s wi-fi. Not all guys in the grindr chat room are game for what you intend to do. So, the chances of success in getting what you want from the app is really small, well, as compared to other gay activities.

Just this afternoon, I signed off at grindr when I saw a senior executive registered in the chatroom, and is just “0 miles” away from me. I was in the office at the time of this writing.

Simula na ng Pamumurga

Para akong tumigil sa paninigarilyo. Di talaga ako humihithit, pero alam ko ang pakiramdam ng pagtigil ng isang bisyo at ang epekto nito. Hinahanap-hanap mo ang mga bagay na tinanggal mo sa iyong sistema. Mula nang magresolba ako sa sarili ko na walang pakikipagniig sa susunod ng anim na buwan, kelangang panindigan. Ayokong lokohin ang sarili ko.

Minsan ko nang niloko ang sarili ko sa paniniwalang kaya kong itago ang mga kalokohan ko sa likuran ng taong minamahal lalo't higit sa Dyos. Nakapanakit ako dahil sa mga kasinungalingan ko. Ngayon, di ko pa man pinagbabayaran ang mga kasalanang iyon, gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong bungkos ng kamalian. May kelangan akong ituwid at linisin sa buhay ko.

Normal lang naman na makaramdam ng libog. Pero napapansin ko na pag may kumakalabit, mahina ang aking depensa. Buong linggo akong pasilip-silip sa planet romeo. May mga nagpakita ng interes at nagkakulitan na sa text. wala namang nangyayari kasi walang pagkakataon. Pero dapat putulin na ang namamagitan sa akin at sa tukso. At kelangang tanggalin ang mga numero ng di kaibigan o kalapit sa puso. Isa lang ito sa mga dapat kong gawin.

Magulo ang kwarto sa bahay. Minsan, di kaaya-aya ang amoy nito. Di naman mabaho, pero di rin kahali-halina sa ilong ang dating. Sira pa ang bentilador. Maraming dapat labhan at dapat plantsahin. Nagtambakan ang mga sulat at sobreng di pa nabubuksan. Amoy lungad pa ang kubre-kama at ang sapin ng ulunan. Malagkit ang sahig.

Maraming kelangang gawin ngayong Sabado.

I Wish I Could...

"I Could" by Kimberly Locke

I could pretend to love you
Be someone else for awhile
Make you believe you're the one that I want
Give you my heart in disguise


I could be all you've wanted
Make all your dreams come true, yeah
Surrender my love at the feet of your will
And live out your fantasy for you


And you would be happy
And I'd make you smile
And I'd go on living a lie

Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you
Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you

I could make you a promise
Be all you want me to be
give you my hand as we walk down the isle

So you could live happily
And you would be happy
And I'd make you smile
And I'd go on living a lie


Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you
Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you

Cause this is not what I had planned
I hope one day that you will understand
If I could change this heart I would
And say I love you only if I could


Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you
I could be the one to hold you
I could be the one you need
But I could never be the one
To give you everything

I could be the one to hold you
I could be the one you need
But I could never be the one
To give you everything

I could be the one to hold you
I could be the one you need
But I could never be the one
To give you everything


Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you
Do you really want to give your life to
Thinking you found true love when it hasn't found you
When it hasn't found you

The Difference Vacation Makes

I know it's cliché a topic, but I'd like to declare that it really makes a difference spending some time-off from work, working out, and the usual everyday routine.

I just had a long weekend with friends at a resort away from where I work. Being detached from my laptop and in touch with nature refreshed my mind and spirit. It was not a perfect holiday (the food and service were bad, our best local resorts are better than the scenery), but we made the most out of what was presented to us. The group was full of fun people, so we were laughing and smiling most of the time, may it be a big or trivial thing before us.

The main water attraction of that resort had a long queue, so we thought of just having fun at a condotel with swimming pool. And we did, even if the water was just 3 ft deep. There was no big issue at hand, just how we respond to such things would determine the outcome of the situation.

The overall experience was not bad. What made it good is that we bonded. I'm looking forward to more vacations next year, even if the economic situation would be much worse.

I'm now back to work, but with a little more zeal than the usual. I'm a bit more eager and lucid to do my everyday tasks.

Isang Linyang Matagal Ko nang Gustong Sabihin sa Isang taga-Gym na Nagbababad lang sa Sauna

"You're just like a Bacardi - a Cruiser!"

Isang Liham na Sinulat sa Gitna ng Hapong Puro Trabaho Pero ang Isip nasa Malayong Dako

Hi.

Di kasi ako makasulat, dahil di ko alam ang isusulat ko sa yo. Di ko alam kung magsisimula ba ko sa ‘sorry’ na apologetic, o sa ‘sorry’ na nalulungkot sa mga pinagdadaanan natin.

Nung sinabi mong ayaw mo na, natameme ako. May mabigat kang problema sa pamilya mo ngayon. Ayokong dumagdag sa pasakit ng isang sugatan, di dahil sa awa.

O baka nga awa.

Pero gusto kong malaman mo na nandito ako para sa iyo. Di ko na binanggit ang paglisan; mas marami ang dapat harapin kesa dapat takbuhan. Dahil may mga bagay na mahirap balikan, pag tuluyan nang tinalikuran.

Di rin naman madali ang lumaban. Lalo lang tayong mapapahamak. Pero ginusto nating manatili. Kaya kung kalbaryo man ang tinatahak natin, sana kayanin natin at lampasin.

Di ko alam kung bakit pinapasan mo ang krus na di dapat sa yo. Mahal mo nga, pero ano’ng kahihinatnan nito? Hanga ako sa abilidad mong kayanin ang lahat, pero hanggang saan ang kaya mong igapang?

Magpakatatag ka, mahal. Gumugulong pa rin ang tadhana.